The Greatest Prank
by sakurademonalchemist
Summary: It was supposed to be a joke letter, but it ended up so much more. Who would have guessed that the 'poster child' of the Light side was a closet Pyromaniac with a distinct inability to care about the trauma he causes? Now there's a warlock teaching DADA, there's Death Eaters on fire, and the mediwitch is hexing everyone! Who knew being a minder for Richard could be so fun? CRACK
1. Chapter 1

_**The crossover is with the webcomic**_ **Looking for Group _. Specifically Richard coming to Hogwarts. What can I say, I was...inspired._**

* * *

It was a supposed to be a joke, but it had more far reaching consequences than the child who started it all would have considered.

As it was, everyone simply chalked it up to him living up to a legacy he had no actual interest in outside of a few small pranks. After all, it was hard to top what he actually _did_ to the post of Defense Against the Dark Arts...even if it did accidentally break the weird curse on the post.

He had mostly written that letter as a joke request. He didn't actually expect the one who read it to show up!

It all started like this...

* * *

Harry Potter was bored, and when bored he generally snuck to the library to read his favorite webseries of all time.

Unfortunately the internet was down so he couldn't even do that much.

Which lead to this.

He was sitting on one of the unbroken swings, when he remembered an odd comment Percy made about the DADA teachers. How every year they had a replacement, either by resignation, curse, or death...like in the case of Quirrell.

Which made it sound like there was some sort of curse on the spot, leading to increasingly inept teachers.

After learning the same madman who killed his parents was still very much _alive_ (though not literally speaking as he was little more than a wraith at this point) Harry very much wanted to live. And if what Percy said was true, then the odds of him getting a decent teacher that would actually do their job well enough to insure his survival were slim to none.

Having already picked the lock Vernon had insisted on putting on Hedwig's cage, he now had a reliable method of communicating.

Considering he was bored, and wanted a decent teacher for once, Harry decided to write a letter. As a lark, mind you since he didn't think the series was real.

If it was, he was so getting the man's autograph and begging for an apprenticeship.

So he took out a quill and began to write.

 _'Dear Richard (Chief warlock of the Brothers of Darkness, Lord of the Thirteen Hells, Master of the Bones, Emperor of the Black, Lord of the undead and mayor of a delightful village on the coast),_

 _I have heard that you are an expert in dark magic, specifically the using of it and learning how to deal with it (if only by association of being in your presence and learning the countercurses as a consequence). I am a student at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. For the past several years the post of the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher has been vacant, and filled only with incompetent morons who wouldn't look out of place in a goody-two-shoes band of heroes._

 _Our headmaster, for instance, firmly believes the last idiot who decided to go on a killing spree was taken out by, of all things, a mother's **LOVE**._

 _Seeing as how I have firm suspicions said idiot is still alive, albeit in wraith form, I would like to have assurances that I could take him out without having to rely on something as ridiculous as the power of love. Preferably through copious use of fire or other spells that cause a lot of collateral damage. I have it on good authority that their preferred costume to cause fear is highly flammable, and I think it would be more entertaining to see such idiots run around screaming while their overly long robes were on fire, seeing as how none of these fools know the simple concept of stop, drop, and roll._

 _From one of your biggest fans,_

 _Harry Potter._

 _P.S., if you do get this letter, could I trouble you for an autograph? The shear amount of damage you cause simply by existing is an inspiration."_

Harry handed the letter to Hedwig, making sure that the name was firmly written on the outside. The owl, much to his eternal shock, took the letter and flew off with it.

Harry couldn't help the shiver that went down his spine. Whether it was anticipation or dread, he didn't know. Either way, at least he had some idea of what was coming.

* * *

When Harry finally made his way to Hogwarts (after missing the train and having to fly a _car_ to the school) he was exhausted. But not so much that he didn't immediately recognize one of the new faces at the staff table.

The second he saw that trademarked cowl with red lining and the pale white skin with green lightning bolts along the left eye, he barely restrained himself from going up to the staff table and asking for an autograph.

Richard was real! And he had come to Hogwarts!

"What's got you in such a good mood?"

"A decent teacher for the Defense post, for one," said Harry to his 'friend'.

He could barely keep the glee of having his favorite character of all time being at the school.

* * *

" **Who was that boy? The black haired one with the dopey looking red head next to him?"** asked Richard to Snape. The two had come to an agreement.

Snape would ignore any punishments Richard dealt out to his snakes and in exchange the warlock wouldn't blow up his personal cauldrons from the other side of the castle _again_. Having had that happen to him four times since the man was hired, Snape had no interest in pissing off the warlock. That being said, Richard had promised not to set him on fire so long as he didn't clue in the headmaster as to the true nature of the new DADA teacher.

Specifically that he was an undead psychopath who like to set people on fire because it gave him power and because he thought it funny. It was hard to argue with a being that was apparently impossible to kill that had a ball of eldritch fire to your face. So long as he kept the students more or less intact and able to speak coherently, it wasn't his problem if he caused untold mental trauma.

Though if he ever found out who brought the undead pest to the school, he would hang them by their lower intestines and make them _wish_ it had been Voldemort who caught them.

* * *

For the first DADA lesson of the year for the second-year Gryffindors, Harry was unusually giddy. Hermione, for all her love of books, had apparently never read the webcomic _"Looking for Group"_ or any of it's offshoots. As such she didn't recognize their new teacher on sight, or understand the headaches he was about to cause her.

" **Before we begin, would anyone like to volunteer to be my new bitch...I mean aide? Be warned it would involve being personally part of any demonstrations and possibly grading homework,"** said Richard. He neglected to mention it would be an automatic "A" for anyone suicidal enough to volunteer.

Harry's hand, much to the shock of his friends, beat Hermione's by several seconds.

" **Right, scar-boy, you're now my new personal bitch. I mean aide. You get an automatic passing grade so long as you live,"** said Richard bored.

Harry couldn't resist what he said next.

"For Pony, sir."

Richard's nonexistent eyebrows shot up, apparently having identified the sender of that curious letter and surprisingly irate owl.

" **Right you are boy. Now, has anyone actually heard of me?"**

To his dismay, the only one who raised their hand was the same boy who volunteered as target practice for when he got bored of grading papers...and hauling his victims to the hospital wing.

That Snape fellow was quite firm. No lethal attacks and they had to be able to procreate and speak.

He never said a word about maiming, traumatizing or setting people on fire.

" **Pity. I shall have to correct that. I am RICHARD! Chief warlock of the Brothers of Darkness, Lord of the Thirteen Hells, Master of the Bones, Emperor of the Black, Lord of the undead, and Mayor of a small village on the coast! Also your new Defense teacher, thanks to the efforts of one of your classmates, who wanted to remain anonymous until I get bored enough to watch your feeble attempts to make them pay for convincing me to come here,"** said Richard.

The red haired idiot was the first to voice the very thing all the purebloods were thinking upon hearing that particular introduction.

"Oh bloody hell. You're not _that_ warlock are you? The one that the Ministries world over keeps trying to get rid of?" he asked.

Everyone but Harry whipped around to look at Ron, then at Richard with trepidation. Draco Malfoy in particular looked horrified.

Richard looked like he was mock thinking.

" **How to respond to that. I know!"**

"HOLY SHIT!" yelped Ron as he narrowly dodged a fireball to the desk he was using. Harry's grin didn't abate once.

" **Any other stupid questions?"**

"Just one sir. Do we really have to do written work when you could just watch our feeble attempts to duplicate your own spells?" asked Harry, raising his hand.

Everyone looked at Harry.

" **Unfortunately your headmaster insisted I make you do _some_ written work, no matter how amusing such attempts will likely be. That being said, I will give you all the option of being target practice for the day in lieu of actually writing anything, if you forget to do it,"** said Richard.

Ron perked up at that, as did all the other students who hated doing homework.

" **In any case I want you all to do two feet of parchment on..."**

At least class wasn't going to be boring with Richard around.

Harry stayed back long enough to get Richard's autograph on his copy of the printed version for the comic _'Looking for Group'._

* * *

Snape had anticipated this. He wondered when someone would finally clue the headmaster in to the fact he had just hired an undead pest who found mass-murder hilarious.

As it turned out, it was Granger who told McGonagall who the new teacher was. The fact she chose to send her precious scotch halfway across the room was just a testament to how well known Richard actually was.

Or perhaps the word was infamous.

Either way, they were now stuck with him.

Apparently the only person suicidal enough to apply was an idiot known as Lockhart, and no matter how irritating Richard was, he would honestly rather have to deal with an undead menace who had a love of fire and killing than that glory hound.

Snape had only met the man once, but that was one time too many. Besides, anyone stupid enough to hit on Narcissa Malfoy in front of Lucius and then whine about being hit with a stinging hex wasn't worth the effort of keeping around.

Though Snape did have to wonder what the hell Dumbledore had been smoking to think he could _reform_ Richard of all things.

* * *

Defense was the new most dreaded (or favorite) class in the school.

It was dreaded by the pure blood idiots who kept forgetting their homework and thus ended up as target practice for Richard in order to make up the grade. He also had the random habit of casting fireballs at anyone who annoyed him too much.

However it was also the favorite class of people like Ron, who figured dodging elemental spells was infinitely better than having to write anything. As Harry pointed out, if he could dodge Richard's spells then getting on the Quidditch team and avoiding Bludgers should be cakewalk. Besides it meant less thinking on Ron's part.

Harry of course became an even _more_ familiar face at the Hospital wing as he levitated Richard's newest target practice to the irate Mediwitch. He was so used to dodging things coming at him (from Dudley's fist to bludgers trying to cave his head in) that at this point it was more of an ingrained reflex whenever Richard shot something at him. The fact he didn't take it personal made him Richard's favorite student out of the entire school.

Though the level of shrieking Hermione let off when Harry sent a cutting curse at the warlock and decapitated him...and then Richard spoke anyway was something they could both do without. Needless to say he gave quite a few of the students near heart attacks with that one.

The twins found it hilarious, naturally.

When asked by his friends (and a concerned McGonagall when Hermione told her about it) why he didn't seem to care that Richard had a habit of lobbing fire at him at random, Harry would shrug and say "I've gotten used to being around things that want to hurt, maim, or otherwise kill me. At least with Professor Richard I know it's not personal."

At this point the only thing keeping Richard from permanently traumatizing the rest of the students was Harry being a willing victim. As such, Snape had dropped deducting nearly as many points from the second years. He evidently felt being Richard's new 'aide' as punishment enough.


	2. Chapter 2

" **I find it interesting that out of the entire student body the only one who recognized me on sight was the same one who asked me to come in the first place. And that you apparently aren't as whiny as Cale was,"** said Richard.

"If I have to deal with a delusional headmaster who thinks _love_ can kill a man known for slinging death curses like they're going out of style and who's minions are known to rape, torture and murder, then I would rather have one professor who at least won't make it personal if he accidentally kills me. That being said, can I suggest targets for your next class?" asked Harry.

" **Continue to amuse me and I'll show you how to lob fireballs at those who annoy you too much,"** said Richard. Harry really was the only person who amused him in the school.

He was the boy hero type, but apparently one who had a blasé attitude towards living. He could honestly care less what Richard did so long as it didn't impact him personally or harm anyone he actually _cared_ about. That being said, he did pay lip service to at least _trying_ to keep Richard on a leash.

Harry perked up at that.

"You promise? Because with how much grease Snape has in his hair I'm sure he'd go up splendidly!"

Richard chuckled darkly.

" **He does, by the way. And may I said it is a genuine pleasure to encourage a budding pyromaniac such as yourself?"**

Harry grinned. Hermione would be horrified to learn Harry was in fact a closet pyromaniac (he blamed the same comics he had Richard sign as the start of that fixation...and the complete disregard his 'family' gave him for his inability to understand that hurting others was a _bad_ thing), but frankly he could care less.

"Question... do those fireballs show up on the Ministry's radar?"

Richard snorted openly.

" **Those posers rarely track anything without a wand. So long as you don't do it openly until you're powerful enough to tell them where to stuff their stupid sticks, they generally won't know. Unless some idiot placed a magic ward around your house specifically..."**

Harry considered that.

"Can they track house elf magic?"

" **Generally, no. Even if the annoying creatures can mimic magical signatures, it would take something _major_ to attract attention."**

Harry scowled. He didn't think a simple levitation charm qualified as something major. Which meant there was a detection ward around his house.

" **Still, I never thought teaching could be this much fun!"**

Harry snorted. It was a testimony to Richard's "teaching style", which was more along the lines of study the older forms of defense magic or get charbroiled, that the students actually bothered to crack the older books in the library.

Hermione in particular seemed to have trouble with the _practical_ aspect of that, and tended to try and appease the teacher with longer essays instead.

Since Harry was usually the one doing all the grading, that meant he was usually partnered up with the increasingly frazzled witch in an attempt to keep her grades at the top of the class.

Which was ridiculous because the only one who had an above-perfect grade in Defense was Harry. Even if he didn't have to do any of the homework, just survive Richard's boredom.

On the plus side, with the way things were going it was very likely that this year's Defense OWLs and NEWTs would end up having the highest scores ever recorded.

"There's one thing I don't get though. If you really have a penchant for eating small children and infants who can't defend themselves, then do you have a specific type of small defenseless creature or is it a certain race?"

" **By and large I eat or kill any small, helpless creature I come across, and I don't typically distinguish race as a factor. Unless it's _species_ we're talking about and not something like Hispanic or Japanese."**

"So wouldn't it make sense to visit China every once in a while? From what I understand overpopulation is such a severe issue that families are literally limited to one infant per household, so it's very likely they might even _pay_ you to rid them of extras," said Harry reasonably.

Richard blinked.

" **The more I have these little talks with you, the more I find reasons to keep you alive."**

"I'm a regular Jiminy Cricket, only no where near as annoying and easily squished," said Harry proudly.

Richard chuckled in agreement.

" **Keep this up and I might let you join me on the regular quests in between school sessions."**

"...Show me how to charbroil my 'uncle', his sister and the fat pig in a wig Dudley and hide the evidence and I'll help distract whatever goody-two-shoes you're trying to corrupt long enough for you to unleash needless violence and destruction."

Richard stuck out a hand and said **"Deal."**

Harry shook it without hesitation.

"So...any idea what the hell's been following me for the past two weeks since that bludger tried to cave my skull in?" asked Harry finally.

" **Some house elf. I generally ignore the little blighters unless they get too annoying, and by that time they're on fire anyway."**

Harry felt the urge to bang his head on the desk.

"Dammit it all. I bet it's that same one who nearly got me locked in the house because he used a levitation charm with my magical signature!"

" **Probably, in any case I call first dibs on any dangerous or possibly dead animals you come across this year."**

"Too bad you weren't here last year. Hagrid had a Cerberus and a baby dragon."

Richard perked up, and made a note to speak to the half-giant about the location of his Cerberus.

Harry was never more grateful that Richard seemed to have developed an interest in keeping him alive...if only for the entertainment of the boy occasionally losing his temper and decapitating him and using his head like a regular football... because the moment his arm was shattered the warlock promptly hauled his bruised body onto his shoulder and hauled ass to the medical wing.

Madam Pomphrey was more interested in healing Harry than she had been berating Richard for all the people he kept sending her way. At least he didn't even bother to try and heal the worst injury himself. He wasn't an cleric.

The healer decided if Harry was going to be spending any significant time around the menace known as Richard, then he was at least going to learn basic healing spells.

He now used the time he normally allocated for DADA homework learning how to become a battlefield medic, which was just shy of a healer without the oath.

"That being said, if that damn house elf tries to kill me again, feel free to use him as target practice."

Richard flashed him a thumbs up.

* * *

"Harry, don't take this personally...but I find it terrifying how easily you get along with Professor Richard," said Hermione flatly.

Harry blinked.

"Why? Defense is now the most popular class in the school, provided you're good at dodging. And it has the lowest amount of written work!"

Ron nodded in agreement. Sure, dodging fireballs was terrifying, but on the other hand it was more interesting than mind numbing hours reading a book you wouldn't look at next year anyway.

Hermione growled. She _hated_ Defense because Richard preferred practicals over written. Her grades in that class were the lowest next to potions and herbology!

"If I ever find the bastard who convinced that undead menace to come to Hogwarts, I'll kill him," said Hermione.

"Why? Everyone else seems to have gotten used to Professor Richard," said Harry.

It was true. Once the initial shock of the warlock and his casual disregard for student safety...as well as Harry's casual dismissal of using various curses to cut off said professor's head...the students seemed to have gotten used to his quirks. As a result, they actually paid attention to class now, and were eager to see what new horror he would unleash.

Even the Ravenclaws liked him, though that had more to do with the fact they actually got to show off the esoteric books they liked to read and the spells they found within.

The Slytherins had started watching what they said around him though, and the number of students caught out of bounds had dropped to an all-time low, unless they had consulted the time-table the twins helpfully sold concerning the teacher's on duty that night.

No one _sane_ wanted to be caught making out if Richard was the one doing the patrolling.

"I think it has more to do with the fact Professor Richard tends to mark people's grades down if they can't do the practical as well as the written," said Neville.

For someone as shy as Neville Longbottom, he had been surprised to be held back one day after class and given a bag of rare seedlings that Richard wanted him to grow. Or even better, cultivate a mixed breed.

He had been very confused and somewhat terrified until Harry told him Richard was an avid gardener. So long as Neville came up with some rare plant to pacify him, he could probably skate on Defense.

Ironically, the matronly witch in charge of the Hufflepuff house was one of the only teachers who actually _liked_ Richard enough to have a civil conversation. The two would swap ideas for their personal gardens during staff meetings.

Either way, Richard fully intended to see that Neville became a green mage, because it was one of the few things he _could_ do with his skill at tending plants, and because it was so hard to find a plant-based mage these days.

Harry beat his fist into his open palm.

"That would do it. However Hermione, you're forgetting one important fact."

"And what's that?"

"Richard hates doing anything boring like paperwork or grading papers in a school full of illiterate idiots. It tends to put him in the mood for a mass-murder spree, preferably with innocent children being either disemboweled or eaten."

Hermione blinked. Then she turned her head towards Harry with an intense glare.

"So what in the nine hells made you think _he_ was grading all those damn papers you keep turning in that are far over the length he tells you just to get that requirement out? Coincidentally they made great practice for the fireball spell," said Harry.

Hermione's eyes glazed over, before she tackled Harry and started trying to strangle him the same way Homer did with his son Bart in the _Simpsons_.

" _YOU'RE THE REASON MY GRADE POINT AVERAGE HAS BEEN GOING DOWN IN DEFENSE?!"_

"...Should we tell her...?" started Fred.

"Nah, be funnier to see her reaction in about...three...two...one..." said George.

"OH MY GOD! I KILLED HARRY!"

"You bastards!" came a voice from above. Hermione looked up to see...Harry on his broom.

She twitched.

"What? I've been wanting a practical application for that ventriloquism and doppelganger spell for ages now!"

"GET DOWN HERE YOU PRAT!"

"What is going on in here?!" demanded Percy.

"Harry finally clued Hermione in to the real reason her grades in Defense have dropped to somewhere in the middle," explained Neville.

"...She didn't turn in overly-long essays did she?" asked Percy.

"It's Hermione. She has this weird idea that teachers actually read the homework instead of skimming it to see if most of the requirements are there," said George.

Percy winced. Richard had explained...while holding him outside the window and having a fireball in the other hand...that if Harry hadn't agreed to do all the grading he would be a pile of ash on the floor for how long his essays were. The moment he was safely inside the castle again, Percy quit handing in extra-long essays in hopes of better grades.

It was probably a good thing Harry had Richard go through the list of main offenders and explain why it was a bad idea to take up _more_ of his two only surviving aide's precious time with extra long essays. Hermione had only been spared because Harry didn't want it traced back to him, and because he wasn't entirely certain it would keep her from that annoying habit.

Percy walked up to the irate witch. Hermione being Hermione, that meant she was more likely to take this better from someone of authority she knew and trusted.

It was either him or McGonagall.

"Hermione, the only advice I can give you is to trim down the essays. Frankly I'm surprised Professor Richard didn't have a...talk... with you about this already. Most of the Ravenclaw house has learned pretty quickly to keep the essays short, simple and to the point already."

"What do you mean a talk?"

"He holds you out a window with one hand, and in the other has a ball of eldritch flame about to melt your face off and explains not to waste his time with extra-long essays," said Percy uncomfortably.

Hermione gasped.

"That's attempted murder!"

"Not necessarily!" shouted Harry far too cheerfully. "I have it on good authority Dumbledore enchanted the area around that particular window with a portal that takes you straight to the infirmary for Richard-related trauma if he can't hold you for long! Aside from a few hiccups from the Slytherins, there have been no fatalities!"

There was a dead silence hearing that statement.

"What hiccups?" asked Neville, voicing the question no one else dared to ask.

"Um...Crabbe and Goyle were heavier than expected while he was chastising them for poor grammar and spelling? Not to mention the inability to dodge the fireballs? I was able to glue his arms back on and they were out a week later, so it's all good!"

"...Wasn't Malfoy out for two weeks for 'Richard-related trauma?'" asked Ron.

"That wasn't about his homework or being bad at shields. That was more because he was being an idiot and pissed Professor Richard off by being a smartass and commenting on how You-Know-Who was a better wizard," said Harry rolling his eyes.

Really, the majority of _that_ mental trauma had more to do with the fact Harry casually asked where Richard would like him to hide the body and being entirely serious about it. If Snape hadn't interrupted them while they were discussing how to dismember the body to hide it better, they could have had that pale pest pissing himself in fear of them both.

"Isn't Professor Richard already dead though?" asked Ron.

"Yup. And as Snape so clearly showed, the killing curse didn't even effect him outside of making him fell ticklish. He got more of with something that split his stomach open. That took _hours_ to heal."

"...Wait. He used the _killing curse_ on Professor Richard and isn't in Azkaban for it?" said Fred staring.

Harry pulled out a book from out of nowhere and held open a bookmarked page.

"Paragraph three, section thirteen," he said helpfully.

George read it aloud for everyone's benefit.

" _'In the subject of the curse Avada Kedevra, or the killing curse as it is collectively known, it shall carry an automatic sentence to Azkaban or other magickal prisons, except in the presence or use of disposing Darke Creatures listed.'_ " said George, in disbelief.

"Apparently Professor Richard pissed off enough of the collective Ministries in the ICW that they made an exception to the rule when it came to the killing curse. If you manage to permanently off him with it, you're more likely to get an award rather than a prison sentence. That being said, Professor Richard isn't really likely to be effected by the curse anyway, seeing as how he's already _dead_ to begin with."

"So...basically we can throw dark curses at him and we won't get into trouble for it?"

"It means you can use him to test your more dangerous pranks and no one is going to care overly much so long as the destruction is kept minimal and doesn't effect others too much," corrected Harry.

Seeing the unholy glee on their faces, Harry had to wonder who was more evil.

Richard in a murdering mood or the twins with a test subject they didn't have to personally keep alive since it was essentially impossible to kill him.


	3. Chapter 3

**_Okay, so I've had a crappy couple of days. I fell through a crack between the porch and the house, leaving me a nasty bruise. Which means no riding to the library for a few days. On plus side, the car is *sorta* fixed, which means I can bum a ride...plus I found something I thought I had lost. Here's to hoping this good luck continues since that nasty fall._**

* * *

 **"So you want to use me to test some of your...possibly lethal...pranks?"** said Richard. He didn't know whether to be amused or annoyed.

"You're almost impossible to kill and we're nowhere near your village so..." shrugged Harry.

" **Hmm...good point. My undead army could use a laugh or two. Very well, wait until summer and you can visit my little village on the coast. I can somewhat guarantee no one will eat or dismember you until after I leave!"** said Richard with a thumbs up.

"Translation Harry?" asked Fred.

"He runs a village of undead like him, only they don't have unspeakable powers. Instead they maintain the illusion they're still alive, but so far they can't be killed. Ergo, they'd make great test subjects for you and no one will really bat an eye if there is an explosion...or twelve," said Harry.

"Ah. We accept this new offer and hope to cause much chaos once the school year is over!" said George with a salute.

They liked Richard. He livened up their otherwise _boring_ fourth year.

Harry eyed them before asking "Can you keep a secret? Like even from mind readers?"

"We're pranksters," said Fred, as if that explained everything.

"We learned Occulmency before we even _came_ here for second year. Snape kept figuring out it was us even without any evidence to suggest it!" said George.

"Any portraits, ghosts or house elves nearby?"

" **If there were, they would have been conveniently gone by the time I showed up. I generally don't discriminate between the living and the dead, and my attacks can _hurt_ the dead,"** deadpanned Richard.

"Right. I bet you're both wondering who convinced this undead headache to come here?"

"You kidding? There's a betting pool about who would kill the person who managed to drag _him_ out of whatever questing group was keeping him occupied!" said George.

"McGonagall's in the lead, with Snape and Hermione a close second," said Fred.

"Okay...good to know I should avoid them more-so that usual..." said Harry sweating.

"Wait. Why would you have to..."

The twins stared at Harry.

"YOU brought Richard here?!"

"I wasn't expecting him to be real! I remember Percy mentioning how the DADA post kept having to be refilled because they kept dying off and I'm a major fan of the comic series he's in! I never thought he would actually take me up on the request to teach!"

 **"I mostly did it because he mentioned something about killing a dark lord with love, and he would rather cause collateral damage to his minions,"** admitted Richard.

The twins expectantly turned to Harry.

" _Dumbledore_ (Harry said this name with a rolling of the eyes) believes I survived the killing curse because of my mother's sacrifice and that I killed Quirrel last year with _love_. Naturally after finding out he wasn't entirely dead to begin with I began to think of surviving, which is why I wrote to Richard here and asked him if he would take over the DADA post, since I highly doubt the curse would take him out like everyone else, and I want to, you know, _live_ past my seventeenth birthday."

"...The power of love, seriously?" muttered Fred.

"So you can see why I was willing to gamble on a joke and ask an undead warlock I had only ever read about. Besides, it was either he take the post or some idiot named Lockhart took it," said Harry.

The twin's eyes widened, horrified, before they put one arm on his shoulder. (Fred on the left and George on the right.)

"Thank you for keeping Lockhart out. Mum's gaga over the bloke and his books are really expensive. Not to mention half of it is a glorified travel-log anyway," said George seriously.

"Not to mention he's a total pansy from what I've heard," said Fred darkly. There were rumors he had been stupid enough to hit on Narcissa Malfoy in front of her less than amused husband, and ended up hexed...only to wail like Lucius had hit him with a torture curse.

"So think you can keep quiet about who brought him here?"

"You gave us test subjects for our more dangerous pranks, livened up the castle in a way we could never top, and keep him from permanently damaging the rest of us. As far as we're concerned, you're a pranking _god_ ," said the twins.

Harry took a mock bow.

"So the main reason you brought Richard here is to see if he could survive the weird DADA curse that robs us of our instructors?" said George.

"Well that and I honestly had no idea he was real. I figured, what the hell at the very least I could get a laugh out of sending a letter to someone who's supposedly fictional."

"You know McGonagall's going to kill you in your sleep if she finds out..."

"Not if you give me an hour's head start on my broom first," said Harry.

"Harry, for the amount of amusement you've just given us, we'll be nice," said George.

"We'll give you a three hour head start before Snape tries to strangle you with your lower intestines," agreed Fred.

Richard chuckled darkly.

* * *

Harry ran into Nearly Headless Nick, the Gryffindor Ghost, almost literally. After spending so much time with Richard, the sudden drop in temperature no longer bothered him as much.

It was still unpleasant though.

"What's up Nick?" asked Harry.

" _Too much skin... Not properly headless..."_ grumbled Nick angrily.

Harry patiently cleared his throat.

"Nick, what is the problem?" he asked again.

Nick seemed to notice Harry behind him.

" _Sorry about that. I just got another rejection letter from the Headless Hunt. Not to mention my five hundredth Death Day is coming up and I have the worst feeling they'll show up to ruin it,"_ said Nick.

"...Would dragging Richard there to scare them off help?" he asked.

Nick considered the headache (figuratively speaking) of having someone like Richard at his party to having to deal with the possible nightmare of having the Headless Hunt crash it and upstage him.

" _Do you swear on your honor to keep Professor Richard on a leash?"_

"Provide food and drink for the living and I'll tell Richard to keep the fireballs on a low burn. That being said I make no promises if Peeves tries to start something."

" _Fair enough. About the only people who can get Peeves to behave is the Bloody Baron, the Headmaster... and now Professor Richard."_

Peeves was utterly terrified of Richard...which made it easier for Harry because by extension he was now afraid of him as well.

That being said, he was so dragging his friends along if only so he didn't have to be miserable alone.

* * *

"A Death Day party?" said Hermione.

"Basically the opposite of a birthday party from what I understand."

"Count me out," said Ron. He would rather eat at the feast than go to a party with a bunch of ghosts. They might freeze the food!

"I think it sounds fascinating," said Hermione.

"So that's one. Fred, George, you interested in going to a ghost party on Halloween?" he called out.

"Who else is going?"

"Well it's for Nick and he's worried that he might get upstaged by some dullahan so I agreed to bring Professor Richard and keep him leashed for the most part... you might get to find out why exactly Peeves is terrified of the warlock?" said Harry.

"We don't have to find out. We already know," said Fred.

"Really? What did he did to scare that pest so badly?" asked Harry honestly curious.

"He threatened to possess him and then stick him in a girly five-year-old toy. Considering he actually did that once to Myrtle because she wouldn't shut up, he took him pretty seriously."

"Wait...HE'S the reason Myrtle's been stuck in that toilet for the past month?!" said Hermione angrily.

It wasn't that she liked Myrtle, it was just that it was _extremely_ awkward to try and pee when the toilet suddenly started to speak to you without warning. The fact that most of the girls had yet to figure out how Myrtle got stuck...or how she could move from toilet to toilet in the castle now, made it worse.

"I take it you want me to have a talk with him about removing her from the toilets?" asked Harry.

"Do it or I'll see if Myrtle can't possess the urinals," growled Hermione.

"What's this about?"

"Harry's been invited to Nick's Death Day party and he's seeing if anyone else wants to join. He's also bringing Richard, but has agreed to keep him leashed," George summed up.

"Oh, and Hermione's threatening to have that whiny girl from the second floor loo possess the urinals," said Fred.

"...You do realize she already does that, but she keeps quiet about it," said Neville.

"No...and thank you for telling us that every time we take a piss we're giving Myrtle an eyeful," said Fred.

"I think she's been haunting that Davis guy from Ravenclaw. I've heard him complaining about the fact his bathroom is colder than the ones on other floors," said Neville.

"Yeah...we should probably do something about that...if only to keep her from suddenly develop a twin fetish."

"So who's coming with me?" asked Harry.

"Count us in," said the twins. They wanted to see what a Death Day party was like...or more importantly what sort of chaos Richard would bring to one.

"I'll come, if I can bring a friend," offered Neville.

"Sure."

"I'm coming if only to keep you in line," said Hermione firmly. She was still mad about Richard's trick with Myrtle though.

"So that's six, no seven, people going to Nick's party. Any other takers? It's open to everyone!" said Harry loudly.

He got a firm _no_ from everyone else. No one wanted to deal with Richard more than they had to.

"Okay, I'll go tell Nick then," said Harry.

* * *

Richard seemed rather hopeful for some chaos. The guarantee Nick wouldn't pull him off any uppity dullahan (which was the technical term for a headless horseman) meant he would have some fun with this.

Besides, Harry's aura seemed to read that something interesting would happen if he stuck around, so Richard wasn't passing up on that.

Going down to the deeper levels, ignoring the fantastic feast in the great hall, the twins gave Harry a look.

"Remind us again why we're going to this instead of seeing dancing skeletons?"

"Richard will be there, I've already secured that there _will_ be food for us and we won't have to fight Ron for it, and the most important reason, because Nick asked us to come," said Harry listing the reasons on his fingers. He had gotten used to that habit dealing with Richard in a mood.

George snapped his fingers.

"Curses, our loyalty as Gryffindors to our favorite nearly headless ghost has kept us from seeing dancing skeletons."

" **If it bothers you that much you can see my undead army do a show during the summer. Or I could simply create some from people you don't particularly like,"** offered Richard.

That cheered them up.

"Besides, if nothing else you can claim you were _escorting_ Professor Richard while you set up a prank for later," said Harry, emphasis on the 'escorting' bit.

"Sold!" said the twins with glee. They had forgotten that out of all the staff, Professor Richard was the most likely to help them set up pranks if they phrased it right and kept him entertained.

"So who's your friend Neville?" asked Harry. He didn't recognize the lone blond of the group, mainly because she had a Ravenclaw patch.

"Oh...uh, this is Luna Lovegood. She's a first year Ravenclaw."

Harry eyed her, before recognition hit.

"I recognize you now! Sorry if I didn't realize it was you earlier with how dimly lit the castle is!"

"You know her Harry?" asked Hermione.

"Yeah, she's the only other T.A. that survived the first week. I grade the papers and she keeps it all organized," said Harry.

Luna brightened up. Ginny used to go on and on about being _Mrs._ Potter but she was the only one who spent any real amount of time with the actual boy in close quarters. Oh had Ginny been pissed when she found that out.

At least she had been until she learned _where_ Luna spent so much time, and her anger turned to pity of all things.

"We know her too," Fred piped up.

"She lives a few hills away from us," said George.

Finally they arrived in the dungeon Nick had commandeered for his party.

" _Welcome...welcome..._ " he said in a mournful tone.

Richard approved. It was appropriately dour for the theme of the party and you could see the torture devices hanging on the wall.

The others were mostly relieved that Nick did in fact have a separate table set up for the 'living' food, as closer inspection for the food the ghosts were floating through nearly made them all gag.

"I want to ask how you manage to eat anything with your mask like that, but I highly suspect I don't want to know what's under it," said Hermione to Richard.

" **Meh. Being able to eat with your mask on it fairly simple. Even that brat Kakashi could do it, and he rarely cleans his,"** said Richard.

Harry blinked.

"Wait...Kakashi, as in _Hatake_ Kakashi? As in the teacher of Team 7 in _Naruto_ with all the dogs?" said Harry in disbelief.

" **We have a bi-decade convention to all serious mask wearers where we trade stories, advice to new mask wearers, and the occasional joke about how many times people have tried to see under it,"** shrugged Richard.

"...Mind if you could get his autograph for me?"

" **Start wearing a mask and you can get it yourself,"** said Richard.

"Harry, you're my best friend and you know that right?" said Hermione.

"Yeah, so?"

"It terrifies me beyond words that you can act so calm around Richard when he's lobbing fireballs and ice spells," said Hermione flatly.

"Pyromaniacs stick together, besides, it's not all bad. I never have to do DADA homework again and I get an automatic A for the class so long as I can duck fast enough for it to hit someone else and carry all the poor bastards who aren't as quick to the mediwitch."

"Wait...you get an automatic grade for being his assistant?" said Fred incredulous.

"And no homework?"

"I spend enough time grading everyone else's work. Why should I have to do it too when Richard's too lazy to grade papers?" said Harry...before he added "Plus it's really good practice for bludgers."

"This is true," said Fred wisely. He had been wondering how Harry got so good at dodging their bludgers lately.

"That being said, if you see a house elf calling itself Dobby, do me a favor and warn me. He's the one who set that bludger on me that broke my arm in two places," said Harry sourly.

It would have been a clean break, but the second one had come from Richard manhandling him while running to the infirmary. Considering he had been through worse, he didn't complain.

At least Richard had the sense not to try and heal him personally. And to leave once he knew for certain Harry would survive...Poppy had been wanting to...speak...to him about the condition of the students he kept sending her. Considering she fingered her wand every time she saw him, that couldn't possibly mean anything good for him.

For the most part they mingled, they listened to stories...and then came time for Nick's speech. However, as he predicted the dullahan in charge of the Headless Hunt couldn't resist making a scene.

Unfortunately for them, they didn't know _Richard_ would be there with a group of enablers.

Patrick took one look at Richard, then at Nick and asked _"What's he doing here?"_

" _He was_ invited _,"_ said Nick.

"He was also brought as insurance in case you came around to ruin this party. By the way, I don't see what the issue is about Sir Nicholas being part of the headless hunt. Isn't the requirement to be called _headless_ to die via decapitation or beheading?" asked Harry.

" _Yes...well... the patch of skin would make it difficult to participate in certain functions..."_ said Patrick uncomfortably.

"And it _never_ occurred to you to make Sir Nicholas an honorary member so he could join in on the parts that didn't require having to remove his head?" said Harry, raising an eyebrow.

Apparently it didn't. Patrick's increasing discomfort from being around Richard combined with Harry's chastising of him for not at least making Sir Nicholas an honorary member (because he _did_ die via having his head cut off...it wasn't his fault it had never come off properly) meant he was being put in a very bad light, so to speak.

"Well?"

" _I suppose an exception could be made..."_ conceded Patrick. Anything to get away from an increasingly bored Richard and all these important ghosts.

Nick perked up at that.

Harry looked at Nick next.

"Don't you have a speech to do?" said Harry.

" _Quite right!"_ said a considerably happier Nick.

Not only had the warlock behaved, but he was going to be an _honorary_ member of the Hunt! He knew asking Harry to come to his party had been a good idea!

The group stayed for the speech, then left after politely excusing themselves.

Right until they walked into a massive crowd that had come out of the great hall.

"What's going on?" asked Hermione.

Harry was about to ask that, when he noticed someone looming behind them.

Snape. And he looked pissed about something.

"And where have you been?" he demanded.

"Sir, what's going on?" asked Harry.

"Filch's cat has been petrified, and your little...group...are the only ones unaccounted for the night."

"The DADA room's closest," said Harry.

While they walked there, Harry got a good look at the wall.

 _ **The Chamber of Secrets has been opened. Enemies of the Heir, beware.**_


	4. Chapter 4

_**Since people keep asking me: this is set AFTER the comics. Cale and the others have either moved or died by old age at this point, but I am seriously considering sending Harry into the past to meet them for their autographs...and give them nightmares of Richard with a helper who's as bad as he is.**_

* * *

It took them _two hours_ to confirm that not only had they no idea about the attack on Filch's cat, but that they had been at the party the entire time.

Nick was very quick to confirm that they had been there, and as Harry pointed out, Professor Richard was with them the entire time.

Not to mention that if one of their group _had_ attacked the cat, it wouldn't still be alive...more or less. Richard was notorious for being very thorough.

Hermione was the first to find the Chamber of Secrets in her copy of _Hogwarts: A History_. Apparently Salazar Slytherin made some chamber years ago before he was chased out, leaving a monster behind.

The first thing that came to mind was to ask Richard where he got his purse, or if he could borrow it in the event he couldn't make his own. This was right up the warlock's alley.

The second Hermione heard about the purse, she damn near hexed the warlock to find out where she could get her own.

Still, the point was that _Harry Potter_ had been missing from the feast when the cat was attacked, and since no one knew _when_ she had been attacked, that made him the primary suspect.

Unfortunately for those stupid enough to voice such suspicions within hearing distance of the boy, and allowed themselves to be identified, were promptly slated to be Richard's new victim of the week and had to quickly brush up on their shields and dodging skills.

Harry was soon exonerated of the crime when he cheerfully pointed out that if he wanted to attack Mrs. Norris he would have followed in Professor Richard's footsteps and simply torched the furball rather than petrifying her. The fact this declaration was accompanied by Draco yelping as his pants were set on fire by a quickly thrown fireball to his ass and Harry's far too cheerful grin meant no one wanted to piss him off and declare him the Heir of Slytherin without concrete proof.

Besides, he had an airtight alibi of helping Nick out that night, so they really couldn't blame him for attacking the cat. The heir of Slytherin thing was also summarily thrown out as again, Harry quickly pointed out that if he wanted to cause such widespread havoc and chaos he would have followed Richard's example and started throwing fireballs _at_ Slytherins rather than random muggleborns and so-called blood traitors.

The fact Hermione was very quick to follow up the dead silence of that proclamation by pointing out Harry was in fact a _half_ -blood with a muggleborn mother and had always taken open offense to Draco using the word 'Mudblood' in his presence by using him as target practice in DADA that week meant that people were starting to wonder how they could have suspected him as the heir to begin with. The twins, slightly disappointed by the lack of chaos they could inflict, decided to make up for it by causing a few extra pranks than normal. McGonagall was not pleased.

* * *

"Wait...so Flitwick wants to reopen the Dueling club in hopes of calming everyone down?"

" **As the current DADA teacher, I apparently have to oversee such things."**

"And the fact you're more likely to use it as an excuse to set everyone on fire is...?"

" **Coincidental,"** said Richard, sipping his tea.

Flitwick couldn't keep him out, but he could use it as a way to instruct the children how to cast shields _properly_ with Richard providing the incentive.

"I'm being drafted to join because I'm the only one who can be reasonably expected to keep you under control, aren't I?" said Harry.

" **Flitwick and the others (barring Snape) have agreed to waive any homework that you haven't done in the event I get carried away."**

After the first few months it quickly became apparent that the only person who could keep Richard from going on a rampage was Harry. Why that was, no one wanted to contemplate at the moment. Especially when one sat down and listened to how Harry talked Richard out of setting the other students on fire.

One really shouldn't hear a twelve year old debating the efficacy of embalming someone while they're alive, especially when you realized that he was talking about his own classmates. The fact Harry kept saying that it was alright to _singe_ people and not turn them to ashes because, dammit this was a school and people were supposed to learn not to be idiots, didn't help either.

On the plus side, hearing such conversations in class from the supposed 'poster child' of everything good and light right in front of you had caused Draco to reconsider antagonizing the clearly unhinged Gryffindor.

It also had the delightful effect of getting Dumbledore to choke on his lemon-flavored candies during staff meetings, to Snape and Richard's amusement.

At this point there was a betting pool on who was praying the hardest to see Richard _gone_ at the end of the year. McGonagall, Dumbledore, the mediwitch or Snape.

Another question was how the hell Harry managed to keep his grades up when teachers kept giving him permission to sit in during Richard's classes to keep him from going overboard when he was looking particularly enthusiastic that day.

Had anyone asked Harry himself, he would have cheerfully explained that McGonagall, realizing he was the only thing standing between the undead pest teaching the class and the rest of the students being wasted from boredom, had somehow managed to get the boy a time turner with the agreement that he could keep the artifact provided he kept the rest of the students alive until the end of the year.

He called it a bribe. She called it a hazard pay considering it put him in close contact with the warlock.

"So...bring the first aid kit and explain patiently to everyone that if I hear them whining about minor injuries a few bandages could fix, that they could always become your next test subject about the elemental forces you like to bombard them with and end up in the hospital wing for real?"

Richard perked up at the idea. That sounded highly entertaining in more ways than one.

* * *

Flitwick would have been nervous with having something like Richard in the room, except Harry was surprisingly adept at speaking psychopathic murderer and had the strange ability to keep his usual spells to a light maiming instead of outright death.

The fact the Charms club had an upsurge in membership was just a happy coincidence.

Still, Harry was at the club with a book that wouldn't look out of place in the deeper parts of the library while Richard was teaching him how to read ancient elvish.

If that boy didn't end up taking ancient runes after this year, Flitwick would eat his wand.

The tiny professor stood on the chair, waiting for the other teacher to come in. Out of the entire castle there was only a select few he would ask to do this, and one of them nearly jumped at the opportunity.

Poppy came in, surprising many of the students, and she brought a whole host of basic potions and the like in case Richard got carried away.

Harry paused in his reading (elvish was quite fascinating) took one look at the mediwitch and said loudly enough for the twins to hear and start the betting process "Twenty galleons on her demanding a duel with Professor Richard for all the extra work he's given her."

The twins were never one to turn down such a lucrative bet, and neither were the students. Flitwick privately agreed with Harry, because he was one of those who placed a similar bet.

The odds were quickly set to five-to-two that the mediwitch would duel Richard, and that he would have to be talked down by Harry to keep her from accidentally being wasted.

Needless to say Richard's amusement at the blatant betting on him and the mediwitch was only inversely proportional to the woman's annoyance with him.

The fact that the betting was really set off when Poppy did exactly that with Flitwick as judge didn't help things. She had been wanting to give the warlock a piece of her mind for months now.

Harry walked up to the irate witch with some advice. Namely aim for his head, because then his aim wouldn't be as good.

Flitwick promptly threw up barriers after hearing that comment, and hid behind one himself.

What happened next would only inspire more students to become healers, and give several others _more_ reason to avoid pissing off the woman who kept them alive in a school where injuries were far too common.

It also reaffirmed Harry's desire never to let anyone know _he_ was the reason the undead pest had shown up in Britain before he graduated and managed to get far, far from the irate woman.

"Woah..." said Fred.

"Brutal..." agreed George.

" **Has anyone seen my head? Hello? Anyone?"** said Richard.

Poppy had taken his advice to heart, because the first thing she did was take out the head with an overpowered bombarda spell. The subsequent dismembering was just bonus.

"Feel better?" asked Harry curiously, already picking up the various pieces.

"Much."

"Right. Someone help me find that damn head! First one to locate it gets a pass on the next round of victims...I mean volunteers for Professor Richard's target practice in class! Same goes for any body parts I missed!" shouted Harry.

What happened was a mad scramble for Professor Richard's missing parts. For all the heavy hitting spells, Madam Pomphrey was almost as thorough as Richard was when it came to her spellwork.

Eventually most of the parts Harry couldn't find were located, and he wrote down the names on a piece of parchment he had on hand. They would be spared the next class when it came to picking target practice.

Flitwick quickly got everyone into two groups and taught them two spells. The disarming charm and the shield charm. One group worked on disarming their opponent while the others worked on blocking Richard's low powered ice spells.

For some reason, Draco and Harry ended up paired together trying to disarm the other.

It was going fine until Draco, frustrated with his inability to take Harry's wand from him, used a spell that wasn't on the list Flitwick planned to teach them today.

" _ **Serpensortia**_!"

"Really? A snake is the best you could come up with?" said Harry, walking up to it.

The black mamba hissed at him, and to the horror of everyone else Harry hissed back. It then slithered up his arm and around his neck where it apparently took a nap.

"What?"

"You're a parselmouth?" said Ron in open horror.

"And?"

"You-Know-Who was one!" said Ron.

Harry pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Are we going to have a repeat of the Heir of Slytherin nonsense?" he asked. Ron was so going to be slated for a round of target practice.

"But...but..."

"Ron, which is more terrifying? Me being able to snake speak or Professor Richard when he's bored and I'm laid up in the hospital wing unable to keep him from a 'light' maiming of the students?" he asked.

When he put it like that...Professor Richard _was_ scarier than learning Harry could apparently speak to snakes...and as he had previously pointed out in the Great Hall, if he _were_ the Heir of Slytherin he would have given the monster to Richard and just blown everyone up with fire already.

Everyone shivered at the idea of Harry being too sick to come to class and keep Richard from going on a rampage.

Since it was getting too cold to let the mamba outside the castle (not to mention it wasn't a native species) Harry let the snake act as sort of a tie around his neck until he was sure it wouldn't bite anyone and split the live mice between him and Hedwig, who was ignoring the new addition.

The new mamba was promptly named Ouroboros, or Ro for short. Flitwick was nice enough to help him make a makeshift terrarium once he explained why he hadn't A, killed the snake or B, let him loose. It was equipped with warming charms for the winter, had airholes big enough he could breath through (but not big enough that it could escape or worry his roommates) and Sprout even added a few additions to make it more comfortable. Things like rocks and plants native to the mamba's habitat.

Ro wasn't exactly _inclined_ to return wherever Draco summoned him from once he realized he now had a cushy lifestyle with plenty of prey he could eat and no longer had to worry about being stepped on by the loud two-leggers.

He could put up with being drained of venom every week by Harry so the mediwitch could have a large stock of anti-venom on hand just in case...and the fact Harry planned to give Snape several vials of it to play around with didn't hurt either.

* * *

"Are you sure Draco isn't the Heir? I mean what he said after the message was first discovered..." said Hermione.

"I'm sure," said Harry flatly.

 _Flashback..._

"IT'S NOT ME! I WOULDN'T KNOW THE FIRST THING ABOUT WHERE THE CHAMBER IS, AND MY DAD ONLY HEARD ABOUT THE INCIDENT SECOND HAND AFTER IT HAPPENED! IT WAS LAST OPENED FIFTY YEARS AGO, AND SOMEONE WAS EXPELLED SHORTLY AFTER THE ATTACKS STOPPED!" shouted Draco from outside the window, piss flowing freely down his specially tailored robes. Richard had him by both ankles chuckling evilly while Harry had a ball of ominous looking fire in one of his hands out the other window ready to throw at him.

"Is that all you know?" asked Harry.

"I SWEAR I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ELSE!"

Richard looked to his favorite student/enabler.

" **Well?"**

"If he can lie his ass off while being hung out the window, piss flowing down his robes into his mouth with fire about to hit him, then he's got a bigger spine and more balls than I would have thought. Let me knock his ass out and obliviate him of the major trauma, or Pomphrey will dismember us both for using his detention as an interrogation session," said Harry.

Richard's evil laughter as he brought the idiot in would haunt Draco for _days_.

 _Flashback end..._

"Very sure he's got no information. I did learn that someone died fifty years... hang on a moment," said Harry. He went and found Sir Nicholas.

" _Yes?"_

"Are there any ghosts that have been around roughly fifty years now? They would have died on Hogwarts grounds," asked Harry.

Nick paused, and rubbed his chin.

" _Well the only_ new _death on Hogwarts grounds during that time would have been Myrtle, but she hasn't been seen for a few months now."_

"As in the same one who haunted the second-floor bathroom?" asked Harry.

" _That's her. She was the only known fatality of the Monster the last time this mess started. According to her all that happened was that she heard a boy speaking a foreign language in the bathroom, opened the door to tell him to go away and saw a pair of large yellow eyes. After that the next thing she remembered was finding out she had died on the toilet,"_ said Nick.

"Thanks Nick. So how's the Headless Hunt been?"

As Nick cheerfully explained how grateful he was that Harry had helped him at least become an honorary member and kept Sir Patrick from ruining his party, Hermione waited patiently for Harry to return.

When he did, she was less than amused.

"Well?"

"Moaning Myrtle was the last victim of the monster, and since she's been stuck in the porcelain thanks to Richard..."

Hermione was privately surprised Harry managed to find this out within two months of the Chamber actually being opened.

"Well at least I won't have to try brewing polyjuice..." she muttered.

"Restricted Section, right?" asked Harry. An idea occurred to him. "You know if you amuse Professor Richard enough, he might sign a permission slip so you can take any of the books you want out of there."

"How would one amuse Professor Richard?"

"Setting someone on fire that you dislike greatly might work. Like say Pansy... or Ron."

"I think I'll work my way down from Parkinson, thank you," said Hermione, eyes glinting. One more mudblood comment from that twit, and she wouldn't care about any detentions. Pansy was going down, dammit!


	5. Chapter 5

" **Remind me again why I have to free this annoying ghost?"**

"Because Dumbledore is bribing me with unlimited access to the Restricted section and to have the curfew lifted until you leave," said Harry flatly. Hermione was almost rabid about that last part.

" **You do realize that in order to free her I would have to destroy _every_ toilet and urinal in the castle at least, right?"**

"Already have that covered. See this?" he asked, holding up an odd ball with a fuse.

" **Yes?"**

"It a chain-reaction cherry bomb. I set off the primary and all the others will detonate at the same time. And considering the age of this school, it's likely all the pipes will burst,"said Harry.

" **Sooo...chaos?"**

"Chaos and you'll get to see an explosion," said Harry grinning.

Richard opened up the seat and asked **"Do you want to 'fwoosh' or should I?"**

"By all means," said Harry, holding out the small bomb. Richard chuckled darkly.

" **For Pony!"** he declared before setting the bomb's fuse on light and dropping it. The two immediately vacated the area and went straight back to the DADA classroom where Harry went to work grading while Richard read something. Less than a minute after they swapped places with their 'past' selves (thus establishing an airtight alibi) there was a massive chain reaction, destroying _every_ toilet in the castle Myrtle could reach. However the bombs had another effect Harry was well aware of. The concussive force caused almost every single pipe in the castle to burst, thus wrecking merry hell with the plumbing.

Filch was going to be pissed. On the plus side, he wasn't thinking about his poor cat again.

* * *

The twins were both amused and slightly annoyed. Harry kept outdoing them when it came to pranks, though his were far more wide-scale than theirs ever had been.

First had been bringing Richard to Hogwarts. That had been _inspired,_ and pretty hard to top. Now there was this prank where he forced everyone to learn the 'aquamenti' charm and how to adjust the temperature until the pipes could be fixed and the toilets repaired.

On the plus side, Moaning Myrtle was _finally_ out of the toilets where she had been stuffed by Richard.

How were they supposed to top that?

"So you're actually going back home for Christmas this year?" asked Hermione.

Harry looked in the direction of the nearest bathroom. Hermione gave off a small "Ah" in understanding. Quite a few of the people in the school were leaving in hopes the plumbing would be fixed when they got back.

"So what are you planning this Christmas Harry?" asked Ron.

"I'm going to do a whole bunch of boring paperwork that will benefit me in the long run and hopefully have some fun in the meantime," said Harry.

What he wasn't adding was that he was getting a passport and that Richard was providing transportation so they could have a bit of fun.

Which in his definition meant a lot of killing for no other reason than they could, along with several horrific acts of maiming using wandless magic.

And they were going to see what the Chinese government might pay them to deal with their overpopulation problem.

China had the most densely populated cities, and there were actual _laws_ about how many children per family. Having something like Richard, who rather enjoyed eating small infants (as did most of his undead army) might actually prove to be a good thing.

Besides, from the way he understood it, those who generally were able to keep people like Richard usually got away with a lot of things...like say, underage magic?

* * *

~ _"Welcome to Hong Kong Mr. Potter. Before you enter do you have any items you wish to declare?"_ ~ asked the far too cheerful inspector.

"Would a warlock count as something to declare?" Harry asked.

The inspector paused.

~ _"Is the warlock already registered?"_ ~

"He's well known in several communities...but I have no idea if he's registered or not. Hey Professor, are you a registered menace?" he asked, turning to face a bored Richard.

Richard dug into his wallet before producing a badge. After a certain point the Ministries gave up and decided to at least have a list of known headaches. Those registered got a badge stating that after a certain point they were were not their problem.

In Richard's case that point would be three orphanages, ten thousand dead and two-hundred fifty cases of overt magic in muggle areas. He also wasn't allow to ride his dragon without proper precautions in place to keep it from going in a rampage.

Needless to say Obliviator teams hated him.

The inspector nodded and handed Harry a list of things Richard could do before they 'politely' asked them both to leave or they were arrested.

Harry took one look at it and barely withheld a cackle. This was going to be _fun_.

" **Remind me why we're here again?"**

Harry had taken him to a lesser known sweatshop factory that produced _Power Ranger_ action figures. There were roughly twenty thousand people working in that place under deplorable conditions, and Harry had already cleared it with the Chinese Ministry and the owners of the factory.

"Basically we're doing spring cleaning before audit season. The better workers and those who are only just starting families have been given a paid day off, but the rest are fair game so long as you don't damage the machines _too_ much. Considering we already cleared out two of those overfilled orphanages last week, I figured you could use a good old fashioned rampage before we left. Besides, they already paid us."

Richard blinked.

" **So I'm getting paid to kill a large amount of people?"**

"Specifically I was paid to keep you from damaging the machines and to keep your death toll to acceptable levels. You get to raid their rarer collections of seedlings, cutting and plants before we leave in payment," clarified Harry. He then produced an old sword filled with a great deal of malice. "Besides, they already gave me this really cool Muramasa sword they had lying around."

Richard chuckled darkly.

" **FOR PONY!"** he cried, going into the factory.

" _Remember! Leave the machines alone and only go after the things that run away from you!"_ Harry shouted.

He promptly put on a pair of headphones and went to the upper levels where he kept an eye on Richard, ignoring the carnage and sheer death he was letting off. Harry had a fleeting thought that made him snicker.

Maybe next time they could clean out a factory that made _My Little Pony_ paraphernalia. It would certainly add a little twist to Richard's warcry.

" **I'm getting bored of this."**

Harry looked up from his book.

"Hmm. How to answer that. I know!" he said with a rather disturbing grin and a 'fwoosh' of fire to the Chinese gentlemen trying to kill Richard from behind. To be honest he was starting to get bored as well.

Richard wiped away a mock tear from his eye.

" **They grow up so fast...and then they start their own massacres of senseless death!"** he said proudly.

"We might as well finish this quickly," said Harry, having come down from the scaffolding like a monkey.

" **Why? Are you bored as well?"**

"That and someone managed to escape your rampage and called the cops," said Harry. His terrifying grin didn't diminish as he cheerfully said "I have his name, number, and his home address. I do believe he recently had a grandson!"

" **Best. Apprentice. Ever. And not a single complaint when I try to set you on fire!"**

Harry was _infinitely_ more fun than Cale had ever been. Dear lord the whining, the complaining...the amount of irritation he got while Cale tried to be a _hero_ of all things.

At least he finally killed that pest of an arch mage in the end. Not that he was complaining about the way things turned out but it was the principle of the thing.

The two of them dismembered, set on fire, froze, liquified and annihilated any poor bastard still in the factory. Then Harry stole the complete set of the new generation of _Power Rangers_ to teach Ron basic science...I/E the fact you could melt things with a little patience, the sun, and a big enough piece of magnifying glass.

Harry loved science. But he loved nitroglycerin even more.

* * *

"Aren't you a little young to be buying this stuff kid?" asked a shady man with an American accent.

"You wouldn't sell it to the warlock, so I have to get it for him."

"I take it back. Pay me and get the hell out of the same state I'm in," said the man terrified.

Harry whistled and Richard handed him a case. Inside was several thousand dollars in unmarked bills, all brand new. He had handled it all with gloves, so his prints weren't on them.

"Pleasure doing business with you. Here's the key and location," he said, tipping his hat without revealing his face.

" **So what exactly is worth coming to the Americas?"**

"Decommissions explosives. When all else fails, hit the C-4!" said Harry grinning.

" **Is this anything like those weird bombs we dropped in the castle?"**

"Oh no...this stuff is waaaay more powerful. If I wasn't registered as your current handler, it would have taken me years to get any of this. And through dangerous back-channels to boot. With this stuff I could level any house I wanted to from a distance and get a nice burn."

Richard chuckled darkly.

" **Glad to be of help. So can I assume you already have some targets in mind?"**

"Maybe..." said Harry grinning. Underneath his mask, Richard was grinning evilly as well.

* * *

Hermione ran into Harry at the station.

"How was your Christmas Harry?"

"Better than last year," said Harry. Hermione paused, turned to look at him, and froze.

"Harry, don't take this the wrong way, but your smile is creeping me out."

"Good. Just wait till Malfoy sees it."

"Harry...what exactly did you do?" she asked carefully.

"Went a few places. China, America...even visited my Aunt Marge. Boy was she surprised to see me."

"Harry James Potter, you weren't the one responsible for that massacre at that horrid puppy mill on Christmas were you?" she growled.

"Let's just say I did something the police should have done ages ago. My...aunt... has the nasty habit of inbreeding her dogs and training them to be more vicious than people claim pit bulls are. Ripper in particular had a habit of attacking small children, but not only did she not put the dog down, as is law, but she actively encouraged it. See this?" he said, lifting up his left pants leg, revealing a _nasty_ scar. "I got this from when I was seven, and he chased me up a tree. I was up there the entire night from seven until she left breakfast at eight and I got detention with the teacher because I was late to class that day."

Hermione winced. Then she thought of something.

"Wait...how did you get to China and America? Wouldn't people ask why a twelve-year-old was traveling with supervision?"

"Who said I was alone?"

Before Hermione could ask, she felt a tapping on her shoulder. Turning around, she paled rather quickly as she realized who was behind her.

" **Enjoy Christmas break, Ms. Granger?"** asked Professor Richard.

"You were with _him_?" she said in a strangled voice.

"Check it out! They even gave me a badge and everything once they found out he actually listens to my opinion!" said Harry.

Hermione looked at his 'badge' and let out a strangled whine.

 _ **Harry James Potter**_

 **Class: _Minder_**

 **Warlock:** ** _Richard_**

 **CoO: _England_**

"...What's CoO?"

"Country of Origin, so they know which bank to fine if he gets out of hand. Here's a list I got in America and China when they saw his badge!"

Hermione looked horrified reading the list of acceptable casualties and damage.

" _Orphanages_?!" she hissed.

" **They were delicious!"**

Hermione looked ready to strangle him.

"To be fair, that's why we went to China first."

Hermione blinked.

"Why China?"

"This is a recent graph of it's population growth, and an English translated copy of it's laws for new families."

Hermione read through it as the train sped through the countryside. Her eyebrows shot up as she read through the laws.

"You're kidding me."

"They actually _paid_ us to take out one of the more overcrowded orphanages and to do a little spring cleaning of a sweatshop factory. And before you complain about that, they made sure to remove anyone who had just started a family with no other relatives, hard workers and those who were too good at their job to loose. Besides, I'm going to teach Ron about basic science later!" said Harry far too cheerfully considering the subject.

"Harry, don't take this the wrong way, but did your aunt and uncle ever explain to you that hurting others is wrong?"

"Before or after they not so discreetly encouraged my cousin to beat the shit out of me for no reason at all? Because seriously, the only ones who gave a damn were the teachers, and after a while they quit caring too. I never really got the whole 'burning people alive is bad' thing that they always preached about."

Hermione paled. From the way he worded that, it sounded like his aunt and uncle really hated having a wizard in the house...meaning Harry had very little (if any) morals about killing people.

Which, when paired with the fact he was got along far too well (for anyone's sanity) with something like Richard...well. She could only hope Harry didn't lose _all_ his morality concerning murder.


	6. Chapter 6

Harry didn't know _what_ was attacking the students, but so far he had been able to isolate the species.

It was a snake. A rare and unusual one if he was right. He had gone looking for large, deadly and unusual snakes and hit on only _one_ entry.

Basilisk. And it fit the profile as well. If the victims had only seen a reflection, not the actual gaze, then it was possible that it could cause petrification.

More importantly it fit Richard's usual profile of preferred pets. He still had that dragon he stole, along with Scooter (which he always thought was a silly name for a Kraken) and several other bizarre beasties...like that octo-bear thing.

" **A massive, poisonous snake you say?"** said Richard, rubbing his chin.

"Complete with deadly gaze and venom that is almost always lethal. The only known counter to it is phoenix tears."

" **Phoenix tears? I didn't know birds could cry."**

"Apparently phoenixes do. They also set _themselves_ on fire and are nearly impossible to kill," said Harry, almost salivating.

A bird that could set itself on fire? Where did he sign up? It was almost like having Norbert around again.

" **As amusing as having a pet snake is, I think that would be more up your alley. Besides, you have to start your 'collection' somewhere."**

Harry had an odd look on his face.

"Do you think it'll fit in my bag?"

His 'bag' was mostly an enchanted backpack.

" **Hmm. How to deal with this. I know!"** he said cheerfully, before he pulled out his 'spare' bag. It didn't have the flowers like on his usual one. **"When we find it's lair you can use this to keep it in until you get your own."**

"That reminds me... you should probably share your 'pets' with Hagrid...and I wonder how the squid in the lake would react to Scooter."

" **Probably end up having little baby Krakens. Scooter's a girl..."** said Richard, before an idea came to him.

"You're going to let Scooter out into the lake later aren't you?" said Harry knowingly.

" **Well it is getting crowded in that bag and it would be hilarious to see the Centaurs run into my pets...besides, Hagrid heard I had a pet dragon and has been wanting to see it since we got back."**

Wizards weren't allowed to own personal dragons. They were too visible and destructive. Warlocks, on the other hand...they were pretty much allowed to do whatever the hell they wanted so long as they agreed not to wipe out entire countries and didn't kill anyone too important. So Richard could own his dragon and no one would say squat about it.

Harry had the fun of seeing Hagrid acting like a little kid seeing the dragon Richard had stuffed in his purse...and the various other odd beasties the Warlock had collected over the years.

Harry helped Richard put Scooter in the Black Lake. He made sure to tell the twins so they could get a picture of the Headmaster's reaction if the giant squid and Richard's pet kraken happened to mate.

* * *

Harry was halfway to the third floor when he realized he had just stepped in toilet water. Again. Sighing in annoyance, he went into the girl's bathroom where a furious Myrtle floated about.

"What happened this time?" he asked. Ever since they 'freed' the annoying ghost she had been making up for lost time by flooding the halls almost _every day_. The girl was fast becoming a headache that Harry fully planned to send Richard in to deal with in a more ...permanent...fashion.

" _Someone threw a book at me while I was in the U-bend!"_ she said crossly.

Harry blinked.

"I thought you had your fill of haunting toilets since Richard stuck you in one?"

Myrtle let out a strangled cry of rage, before she dove into one of the available toilets, and would have drenched him in the much had he not anticipated that reaction and thrown up a quick shield.

"I should probably speak to Richard about removing that pest..." muttered Harry, as he looked around to find the book that someone had thrown in the toilet.

One look at the name, and a frightening grin slowly appeared on his face.

Richard had told him the name of the idiot who killed his parents and brought nothing but havoc to Europe for several decades. And if he was reading it right, this stupid thing was a soul container, which explained why Voldemort hadn't died off yet like the failure of a dark lord he was. Richard called him a poser because he was killed off by an infant. _AN INFANT!_

Even the Wee King (before he grew up and took over his kingdom from his idiot uncle, with Richard's help after he broke the weird curse he had on him) was a better at killing things than this idiot.

Richard still talked to the king, who absolutely adored him, despite the sheer amount of paperwork he had to do.

Which was why the first thing Harry did (after drying the thing off and then washing his hands) was take it to Richard.

* * *

" **What's that? I could feel the dark magic from two floors away."**

"I have here what appears to be a soul fragment of a certain moron who can't kill infants. I was wondering if you would like ripping the soul out so we could mock him while interrogating an idiot."

Richard clapped his hands together in delight. There was a reason why he had agreed to make Harry his apprentice/handler. The boy was an honest delight.

"And after we're done with that, I know a certain ghost girl who apparently has overstayed her welcome," said Harry.

" **Myrtle again?"**

"With Binns as dessert if you're still bored."

" **Suddenly my schedule has cleared up for the weekend. How do you think the students would react to a free period with no homework?"**

"Hmm...Give me a couple hours to make a few rounds to earn some quick cash and people won't question _why_ you're giving them a free period and no homework."

Richard grinned under his mask. Once again, Harry showed why he was his favorite wizard.

A few hours later Harry was a thousand galleons richer (along with fifty points to Gryffindor courtesy of Snape and surprisingly Madam Pomphrey) and more amused than ever.

On the plus side, that meant people now knew he could be 'persuaded' (read: bribed) to get Richard to give them a break.

* * *

Tom Marvolo Riddle thought he had found a new victim to control and hopefully kill all those damn muggleborns in the school.

Instead he was confronted with his own worst nightmare.

A grinning Richard with an able and willing cohort who was just as happy to set things on fire as he was.

" **Now we're going to play a game of 'which soul piece talks first'. If you talk the pain will be less, keep quiet and I'll make it worse."**

"And just so you know, Richard also pulled out an newer soul piece from this scar, so if you don't talk, perhaps the other will. Just so we're clear here, first to talk gets killed rather painlessly, the loser gets to play with Professor Richard."

Tom turned to look at the other soul piece. He paled, because whatever his older self did made him look rather gross and barely human. The newer piece snarled and spat at the two grinning monsters with fireballs in one hand.

Now say what you would about Tom Riddle, but he wasn't a complete idiot. He wouldn't have been able to do so much in so little time if he was. His older, more deranged self was so self-assured of his own immortality that he could care less he was in the same room as the undead warlock who was famous for his mass-killing sprees and taste for infants.

Tom felt a twinge of real fear.

"Shall we begin?" asked Harry, grinning in a way that would make Vernon piss himself in fear.

It was a very good thing Harry had the foresight to soundproof the room, the corridor and place another ward to divert anyone coming _near_ the area, otherwise the volume level of the screams both versions of Voldemort might have attracted unwanted attention.

Harry did not know where Richard found the spare corpses, and frankly so long as no one tied it back to him he didn't care.

 _The next morning_...

"Harry...why do you reek of sulfur and brimstone?" asked Ron, not sure if he wanted to know the answer.

Harry paused in eating his breakfast to look at Ron curiously. He had voiced the same question all the Gryffindors wanted to know.

"...How exactly would a pure blood know what sulfur and brimstone is, let alone smells like?" he asked in return.

"Sulfur stinks of bad eggs. Now answer the question or I'll tell McGonagall you've been playing with fire spells with Professor Richard again," said Hermione flatly.

"Oh nothing. Just doing a little spring cleaning of the castle. On an unrelated note, there's a very good chance that the attacks by basilisk will become a distant memory, so now you all have no reason to skip out on homework," said Harry.

" _HARRY..._ " said Hermione dangerously.

"Oh come on, it was staring everyone in the face what the monster _is_ if you use your common bloody sense!"

"Explain your reasoning or get two weeks detention," said McGonagall crisply.

Harry rolled his eyes.

"One, Salazar Slytherin is known for having a sincere snake fetish. Two, he's a parselmouth, which means he'd want a snake that he could control but the other founders couldn't. Three, the only known cause of death was Myrtle looking into the eyes of a massive snake. Four, all the victims besides her were petrified because they either looked through reflective surfaces or a ghost. Add all that together and look through the library and you get ancient basilisk," said Harry. "Besides, I already found the culprit of the attacks and he's not going to be coming back anytime soon this year."

"And who, exactly, was the culprit?" asked Dumbledore, since Harry hadn't bothered to lower his voice.

"Some idiot named Tom Riddle who used to be the Slytherin Prefect and head boy shortly before Voldemort came around. Someone threw a book at Moaning Myrtle, and when I realized it wasn't exactly normal to have a book talk back to you I took it to the only person I knew would be able to figure out what it was."

" **And if you can get answers from a twice dead corpse, you'll have to arrest yourselves for necromancy,"** said Richard amused.

"...How can a corpse be twice dead?" asked Ron.

" **If a soul vacates a body twice, then it's considered twice dead. As it is, there aren't enough pieces left to make it thrice-dead,"** said Richard.

"Yeah, unless you can resurrect someone who's been cremated while still screaming in agony through unholy eldritch flames that burn even the soul," said Harry grinning happily. Seeing a few students scoot away from him, he rolled his eyes. "For the last time, I can only throw _normal_ fireballs, not the kind that scorches even the soul! He's the one who disposed of those annoying soul fragments, not me!"

"Fragments, as in more than one?" said Dumbledore paling, having caught the plural form.

"Apparently Tom left behind more than one of those annoying things. Richard finally figured out what was hiding in my curse scar once he realized what the diary had and removed it."

Dumbledore looked pretty upset at Harry's casual dismissal of having a piece of Voldemort in his head.

"Wait...you had some bloke's _soul_ in your head and that's you're reaction?!" said Ron horrified.

Harry promptly hooked at thumb at Richard.

"Ron, do you really think just _any_ wizard could possibly complete with undead Lord of the Dance? I had a feeling Professor Richard could either remove it or outright kill the other piece if given the chance, and I've yet to meet anything scarier than him bored out of his skull on a good day," said Harry dryly.

Hermione immediately said in a slow tone, as if in disbelief... "Undead Lord of the Dance?"

"Along with a whole list of names that most people keep forgetting about, like his title as Mayor of a small coastal village full of the undead. They like sending their small children and feeble old women into missionary camps to rip the place apart and to see the looks on their faces," said Harry.

Richard's dark chuckling at the reminder did little for the teacher's nerves.

Dumbledore had one last question.

"Did Tom say _where_ the Chamber was located?"

Harry gave him an incredulous, flat, look.

"I just told you what the monster was and even got rid of the one sending it after the students out of some twisted hypocritical bid for 'power', and you expect me to even hand you the Chamber of Secrets to you on a platter? Are you joking?!" said Harry.

When he put it like that, it did seem somewhat ridiculous that a mere second year had not only stopped the attacks but caught the culprit for them. Having the location of the Chamber seemed a bit too greedy.

" **All we got out of that pest was that it was somewhere under the lake, but still connected to the school,"** said Richard.

If they wanted to send Mermaids on a wild goose chase to find the entrance, then by all means he would give them a tidbit to drive them crazy for a few months.

Besides, they had already located the secondary entrance Tom had found and cleared out and hidden it so well that not even Hagrid could find the damn thing.

And without the gift of snake speech (which Harry retained after loudly claiming Right of Conquest, making him the TRUE heir of Slytherin unlike that poser Riddle) they wouldn't be able to access the secondary entrance which was more of an air vent and a quick way for the basilisk to enter the school in case of attack.

The two planned to raid the place once they had the basilisk contained for any treasure, and since Harry claimed the Slytherin name through conquest, that meant he could legally store it in the Heir vault and only he could access it.

The Ministry couldn't touch it, Dumbledore couldn't get his hands on any of it, and more importantly, it would royally piss off Tom Riddle because of his claims on the Slytherin name.


	7. Chapter 7

" **Remember, I get first dibs on anything dangerous or cursed,"** said Richard.

"And I get the snake, I _know._ How did you convince them to ignore us for the rest of the day anyway?"

" **Told them I was out hunting for actual human hearts on Valentine's Day,"** shrugged Richard.

Harry stopped what he was doing, and turned to look him.

"I would ask if you were joking, but I have a feeling you aren't. That being said, is it possible for you to cover for me while I hide from fan girls?"

" **I'll do you one better. I'll give the others a chance to get out of target practice and you can spend the day grading, therefor have a legitimate excuse for why you're not around,"** said Richard.

"And thus give me an alibi not even Snape could dispute."

Judging by Harry's grin, it was pretty clear he was going to multitask...or at least abuse his time turner for a bit of fun.

" **Do share..."** grinned Richard.

"Know what water balloons and water guns are?"

" **Toys, and thus not very useful for outright chaos,"** said Richard.

"Not if you're only using water. Here's what we're going to do. Since you're leaving the castle for a bit anyway to get the hearts, I want you to pick up six hundred water guns and buy the balloons in bulk, along with funnels. Since Valentines is next week, I'm going to lend my time turner to the twins so they can do a mass brewing spree for prank potions, spend the night before carefully pouring them into the guns and balloons...then spread them around without Filch or the other teachers finding out until the war starts."

" **You could always bring the house elves in on it, with the agreement to let them enchant the guns to make it easier for them to clean up...otherwise Filch is sure to kill you."**

"Hmm...makes it easier to put the potions into the guns and balloons that way..."

The two entered the infamous Chamber...and the first thing out of Harry's mouth was...

"Tacky. _Very_ tacky..."

And it was. Having a snake theme was fine, but this place made it look like Salazar was _obsessed_ with the damn things. The twin snake statues lining the walkway to the relief at the back of the chamber looked horrendously lame.

" **Even I have better taste than this. He took the 'evil snake' theme way too far."**

Still, they had a job to do. Harry made sure to hold the bag open enough that the snake wold have no other choice but to go into the thing once it came out of the relief.

 _~Speak to me Slytherin, Greatest of the Hogwarts Four!~_

The basilisk slithered out, and didn't realize the trap until it was already halfway into the bag. Harry closed it quickly once the tail cleared the relief, and then set it out the way.

Above him was a light spell, while his wand was continuously casting the 'scourgify' charm. He would explore the inside of the relief in hopes that the basilisk was just the guard dog for something really cool...or possibly eggs.

Richard would explore the various tunnels in hopes of finding something interesting.

Who knew what he would find growing down here?

* * *

 _With Harry..._

The relief went about five feet into the rock face before it opened up to a much bigger room. From the looks of it, the basilisk would curl around the center of it while the rest seemed very clean. In fact it almost looked like...

"A ritual room, really? He had the snake guarding a boring ritual room?"

Ritual rooms were almost unheard of these days, as wizards had grown very lazy and were used to instant results. Some rituals could take days, even _weeks_ before the effects could be felt. Even if they were more powerful as a result.

Richard had a ritual room in his home, but he didn't really use it anymore. That was only for special occasions.

Harry scanned the place, cleaning off the various dirt, grime and who knew what else the snake had picked up slithering through the pipes that housed the schools plumbing.

He was about to leave when he found something lying in the dirt just outside the ritual circle.

He picked it up and immediately felt something prick his hand. He could feel something judging him...before settling over his shoulders like a cloak.

Harry shrugged, then stuffed the thing into his backpack before crawling out.

* * *

 _With Richard..._

Richard wandered around the tunnels, almost disappointed. At least until he found something that really made his day.

It was a wall of roses...and not just any roses as when he went to examine them, they tried to eat his hand off. The sharp rows of tiny teeth almost hidden in the petals made Richard smile so widely you could almost see the barest hints of his mouth past the mask.

" **And here I thought those fools in Brazil had made these beauties extinct years ago..."**

Nightblood Roses. Hunted down by herbologists and damn near made extinct because their primary food source was blood, Richard had been trying to find some for his garden for decades.

Nightblood roses could survive in daylight, but they thrived best in darker areas, making them sought after by dark lords and the less than moral families to guard their homes.

Richard just liked them because they looked like normal roses right up until the point they tried to eat your face off. The more blood they consumed, the bigger and more beautiful the rose would become.

With a skilled and careful hand, Richard extracted a small section of the roses so he could transplant them later. He got two smaller ones for Neville and Pomona, seeing as how they were the only ones who shared his passion for gardening and would likely trade something even rarer and harder to get later.

Hearing something from where the relief was, Richard left the roses behind...but not before marking where he found them for later.

" **Find anything interesting?"**

"Let's see..."

Harry reached into his bag...and pulled out a strange artifact.

" **Well it looks like this trip proved fruitful for both of us. You got a new pet to unleash untold amounts of death and a new toy to play with, and I finally got some Nightblood roses for my garden."**

"What is this anyway?"

" **Overlord Gauntlet. Allows you to take control of the Overlord tower, which was ransacked by the wizards a thousand years ago when the last one was kicked out. Gives you a bunch of annoying minions that you can use to cause damage and destruction, a bunch of rather boring spells, some armor and weapons. I was wondering why that idiot Gnarl hadn't tried to bring a new one around,"** said Richard.

The _only_ reason he knew about the Overlord tower was because Hctib Elttil had threatened to try his luck with the Overlord as his personal imp if Richard didn't quit summoning him so often.

Which lead to a small altercation (only a few villages were destroyed!) between him and some fat idiot who thought that just because he could spawn untold numbers of minions who wouldn't think twice about dying for him that he could beat Richard. Gnarl had been impressed...so much so that Richard had a standing invitation to the tower whenever it was down an Overlord for tea and to use the outer areas for the dangerous and deadly flora he couldn't fit around his own.

Gnarl had almost been disappointed Richard was outright rejected by the Tower Heart. At least until he realized why.

Richard was too strong to actually _need_ the gauntlet to cause evil. He was a step above most overlords Gnarl served.

Be interesting to see how that old minion handled the fact that the first new Overlord in a thousand years happened to be Richard's new apprentice/enabler/handler.

* * *

Harry's evil plan for outright chaos went off without a hitch. Upon explaining water guns/balloons to an overly interested pair of cackling Weasley Twins and promising they could keep their set (along with acting as supplier for more muggle toys for them to experiment with) the group settled in for a long night of filling, storing and then passing the muggle toys.

Harry would spend the entire day up in the ceiling of the Great Hall armed with enough water balloons to arm the entire Gryffindor house twice over under his cloak. Because his aim was quite frankly crap, it wouldn't matter how bad his throw was because either way he would get a massive splatter pattern considering he was armed with the bigger balloons filled with pink, red, and white paint, along with some glitter bombs.

It was mundane water color paint charmed to disappear in four hours, courtesy of the house elves who were more than happy for a bigger mess to clean, within reason.

They had done most of the filling for Harry in concerns to the bigger balloons, once he showed them how to tie them off.

Filch would be given the day off by Dumbledore, since Richard had successfully managed to cover the entire Great Hall with real human hearts, still bleeding.

It had been a suggestion of Harry. Dumbledore and McGonagall had no clue the hearts were only a distraction and an excuse to keep Filch occupied by staying with his beloved cat the entire day.

Harry would use the time turner to 'hide' in Richard's office grading the surprise papers, while in reality he would be reigning death from above with the twins.

Needless to say they were going to have great fun tomorrow.

* * *

The first sign of trouble, in Hermione's mind, was when she spotted something that shouldn't be in Hogwarts under Neville's cloak.

The second and biggest sign was when all the food abruptly disappeared shortly after everyone had eaten at least one plate of food...and everyone promptly brought out mundane water pistols.

McGonagall, who had long since developed a nose for trouble (as had Snape, who had vanished the _second_ he saw what they were) had no chance to demand what was going on when the first volley was thrown.

Draco Malfoy was turn a bright fluorescent pink with enough glitter powder to make even Lavender Brown and her friend Parvati very happy.

With that surprise attack, all holds were off.

Students were aiming water pistols filled with bright water color paints at each other, the professors, even at the ghosts! Adding to the chaos was the random massive balloons which were more like missiles from above that splattered everyone indiscriminately.

Hermione, despite her studious nature, had to admit she was having a lot of fun nailing idiots like Malfoy and Parkinson with the bright paints and the occasional glitter balloon.

It was utter chaos, but no one outside the teachers seemed to care.

It was just the sort of mess to diffuse the tension of the year with all the attacks on students and release all the pent up fear.

Even Dumbledore, to the students surprise, got into the games. He was particularly colorful, as was Hagrid who was a surprisingly good shot with his balloons.

Once the chaos calmed down (mostly because the paints were finally emptied from the guns and the balloons more or less used up) several hours later, Richard walked up to the stage.

" **I hope everyone enjoyed the 'surprise' my aide cooked up for Valentines day. You can thank him tomorrow when he comes out of hiding from McGonagall, Snape and his fangirls,"** said Richard.

Seeing the massive grins on everyone's faces, Harry knew he had done something right while he prepared his last volley of balloons.

To the shock of everyone, Richard went from evil DADA teacher bent on setting everyone on fire...to a pink, red and white colored warlock with enough glitter powder to keep an entire middle school's worth of young pre-teen girls happy for months. He outdid even Dumbledore.

Richard lifted his soaked cloak and said with an amused voice... **"Pink is not my color."**

Everyone, barring McGonagall and Snape, went to bed with smiles. It would go down in Hogwarts history as the most eventful and loved Valentine's day for _years_.

Needless to say Harry was thanked by many of the students who absolutely loved the chaos and the mess made. And the first-gens were very happy to learn they could keep the water guns to play with later.

* * *

It was History of Magic...and once again everyone was just shy of falling asleep.

After he did fall asleep...and somehow ended up on the floor after falling off his desk, Harry had had enough of Binns. That ghost had to go.

The next week Dumbledore made the announcement that Professor Binns had been forcibly exorcised...and that he would be teaching History until they could find a replacement until next year. It was too late to find one before the exams came.

To his surprise, this was met with even more cheering...everyone basically considered History a great place to get a nap.

* * *

"So tell me Professor Richard, seeing as how we're already short a teacher, are you planning to leave this year?" asked Dumbledore. He was almost hopeful the infamous 'curse' would hold true.

" **Hmm... to be quite honest I find I enjoy teaching young minds. I do believe I shall stick around... at least until my young aides are old enough to join me properly on quests or I get bored. Harry is quite entertaining and Luna is a delight."**

Snape made a strangled sound in his throat.

" _You're coming back?!"_ he said horrified.

" **Look at the bright side! You can use me as a threat against the overachievers like Granger who seem to think we actually _enjoy_ reading overlong essays."**

Snape's mouth snapped shut with a click. He had to admit, that was a valid point. About the only ones who _enjoyed_ reading those were the elective professors like Vector and Babbling.

"In any case it would appear I need to hire a new History teacher for next year," said Dumbledore.

At least now they knew who to send in if Richard got out of hand. Harry was disturbingly adept at handling his brand of insanity.

It had to be genetic. That was the _only_ explanation he would accept at this point. After all, Sirius Black was almost as bad as Richard, and look how easily James handled him!

" **Coincidentally how long does Harry have to stay at that house for the wards you tote so much about to be charged?"**

"A full week," said Dumbledore without thinking, before he realized what Richard had just asked. He had the unsettling feeling he had just signed someone's death sentence, and didn't know why.


	8. Chapter 8

Harry sighed.

"What's got you so happy?" asked Hermione.

"Well I find it relaxing that we don't have to scramble to solve some big mystery this year. Remember last year?"

Hermione's eyes light up with understanding. Ever since the great paint and glitter battle on Valentine's day (in which the twins publicly declared him their new hero) she had been a bit more relaxed. Frankly Harry had been glad of the fact.

If Harry hadn't threatened to set the _entire_ Gryffindor house on her with the water guns and paint, she might have gone overboard with the study guides like last year.

As it was, she found it surprisingly cathartic to set dummies on fire that looked like certain Slytherin girls with a spell Richard taught her.

Every time she started to feel too concerned about exams, Harry would hand her something she never thought she would ever dare handle.

She didn't know where he got a shot gun, and frankly she didn't think it would be good for her sanity to ask. There were some things you were never meant to know, and the fact her best friend was a pyromaniac with a love of things that blew up and guns was one of them.

Besides, as Harry had cheerfully pointed out, all one had to do to gain unlimited access to the restricted section was amuse Professor Richard.

Pansy Parkinson had become a very familiar face in the Hospital Wing, because Hermione had seized the opportunity of Defense class to hex the girl until she was blue in the face.

Richard promptly agreed to sign any papers allowing her to remove books from the library if she needed them, provided she continued to entertain him.

Harry had laughed himself sick that night.

"Cheer up mate, at least next year we get to pick our classes. Too bad we can't drop potions," said Ron.

"Nah, potions is actually quite fun once you know what to bribe Snape with," said Harry with an insane grin.

Harry had found an odd sort of balance with Snape, once he realized Richard was there to stay for the moment. And thanks to an obscure spell Harry had already cast on the class, none of the students would think to mention that the infamous _warlock_ was the teacher until Richard finally got bored enough to leave Hogwarts.

Probably around the same time Harry graduated.

Harry didn't want his fun ruined because Draco or any of the other students with families in the Ministry happened to say the wrong thing. Like he told McGonagall once she found out...at least with Richard he knew for a _fact_ that if he accidentally killed him it wouldn't be personal or more annoying, Voldemort related. And there was no way Richard would ever side with (and Harry would quote him on this...) 'a two-knut hack with almost zero talent and a lack of imagination'.

Harry, to his amusement, aced all his exams. Unlike Ron he had no desire to scry the future, which according to some of the older students was all Trelawny focused on. If you had the talent, then it was useful, but Richard had agreed to show him how to scry the present and see events from another continent. You didn't need the knack foretelling required, but a crystal ball would be extremely useful and it was less wonky. Some people even used mirrors.

Hermione, to Harry's annoyance, signed up for everything. Including, to his disgust, muggle studies.

She was mundane raised. She didn't need that outdated class. And he knew it _was_ outdated because he asked one of the twins for a copy of their textbook.

Not a single mention of computers and the closest thing to a modern airplane looked like something out of a history book from the 1940's. It was also pretty clear it hadn't been updated in a long time.

That being said, he was not taking any class that involved math. He hated math. Runes, however, he cheerfully signed up for, along with COMC and Advanced Charms. His grades were high enough that he had a chance to get in.

If Hermione loosened up, she would be the top student, and she might even be considered for the advanced courses. And speaking as someone who had to do the grading for a core subject, Harry could honestly say her claim as being the 'top student' was highly exaggerated...she was in the top ten, yes, but she wasn't in the top spot.

Harry firmly had that spot, as he had learned by accident from Richard. He had yet to figure out if it was from pity or something else.

He would have taken advanced transfiguration, but he figured he was pushing it as it was with McGonagall. She might decided to watch him closer than normal and figure out he was the one who brought Richard to Hogwarts. And potions... enough said. Herbology he hedged on until he talked with Neville and learned he was planning to take the advanced courses as well.

With his classes picked, Harry felt he made the right decision. Besides, he had a week to look forward to with the _Dursleys_ before Richard showed up to put the fear of _him_ into them and Harry happily showed Vernon his new toys.

If that rocket launcher didn't make that fat bastard piss himself, Harry would eat his cloak. Especially since it was the same one he used on Marge.

Harry actually _enjoyed_ his 'prison sentence' at Privet Drive. Mainly because the Dursleys were now very well aware of how badly they had screwed up in raising Harry that he wouldn't think twice about killing them if annoyed too much. Or at least maiming them.

Realizing that your nephew had a casual disregard for the safety of others to the point he would happily set you on fire at the first chance...and it was your fault...was a nasty wake up call to Petunia.

It was during his last day at Privet Drive that something interesting _finally_ happened that would set the tone for the rest of the year.

Sirius Black escaped Azkaban.

* * *

 _Sirius POV_

It had gone surprisingly well. Because no one expected him to be an Animagus, they didn't think to look for random animals.

It had taken him very little time to reach Surrey, primarily because of an odd comment he heard from Kingsley during Harry's first year about how it was surprising how unlike Harry Potter was quieter than James had ever been, and how ratty his clothing looked.

Another Auror had commented on how it was probably because the boy had been raised by muggles and who knew how Dumbledore's mind worked if he had come up with that idea.

It hadn't taken that much of a jump in logic to realize with horror that perhaps Dumbledore had been stupid enough to place Harry with _Petunia_ of all people. Everyone who knew Lily KNEW her sister hated magic, so much so that she had cut any and all connections to Lily because of it.

That, combined with the fact that Peter was apparently alive and hiding with the Weasleys, was all the incentive Sirius needed to escape.

He had to be sure spending ten years with Petunia hadn't traumatized his poor godson.

Which lead to this.

He was in a suburban hell called Little Whinging where every house looked alike, with only the gardens and cars having any variance. If it wasn't for the twelve-going-on-thirteen year old that looked far too much like James for it to be a coincidence, he never would have been able to find Harry without being busted first.

As it was, Sirius Black very nearly had a heart attack when he recognized the _thing_ casually walking up to the house Harry was at and striking up a conversation with him. From the sound of it, it was pretty evident Harry not only _knew_ the warlock, but was friendly with him.

What the bloody hell was going on? Why would his pup know _Richard?_

All that confusion turned to horrified panic when Harry locked eyes with his large canine form, and scant seconds later he found himself in a terrifying void after having a sack thrown on top of him.

This was not his best day.

* * *

 _Normal POV_

"So this is the infamous tower," said Harry.

" **What's left of it at any rate. Gnarl had me place some heavy duty protection spells on the place when it became clear the wizards had either sealed or hidden the gauntlet,"** agreed Richard.

It could have been imposing, once. Now it was a decaying mess that looked ready to collapse. And he was betting it was only magic that kept it standing upright.

The two walked past the horrifying sights and Richard's experimental garden (the warlock made a note to come back with some heavy duty pruning shears and some fire to clear out the weeds) into the tower itself.

There was a subtle hum that seemed to resonate with Harry's bones and magical core.

It wasn't until they found the throne room that Harry finally came face-to-face with Gnarl.

"What brings you back Richard? I must admit the additions to the garden set the tone delightfully. Though I'm afraid I'll have to send one of the browns to restock the tea."

" **No need. We merely came so my _apprentice_ could claim his new toy. I believe you know of it?"** said Richard, grinning.

The second Gnarl saw the gauntlet, he all but fell to his knees.

"A new Overlord! After all this time, all the waiting!" he said with glee.

"So what exactly does being Overlord entail?"

" **Not much. It's more of a title these days. Basically you get a free tower to do all your forbidden spell research, beautiful women in slutty armor once you're old enough to care about that sort of thing, a bunch of minions that will do anything you ask, and of course once you have the tower properly established and restored, free entry as a lord of darkness...at least until you're kicked out. If you're lucky, you get to keep your title as Evil Overlord,"** shrugged Richard.

"Hmm... Wonder if Luna would agree to be my assistant..." said Harry thoughtfully. She was the only reason the homework was ever graded on time. For someone so...out there...she was surprisingly well organized. Plus she could help pick up new creatures to guard the place from annoying do-gooders like Dumbledore.

"Wait...did you say apprentice?" said Gnarl.

"And technically his new handler, though the most I do is give him a reason why he can't kill people just yet and point him at targets no one particularly care about. I think this year we should go to Africa."

" **Hmm...Good point. And it would be a nice starting point for you to start collecting monetary bribes from grateful tribesfolk for dealing with idiots after the diamonds,"** said Richard.

"Yeah, no one particularly cares about those guys," nodded Harry.

" **Especially considering you got paid for me to clear out two orphanages and that factory filled with people who would have died young from overwork anyway,"** said Richard.

"Will wonders never cease...an Overlord with some common sense!" said Gnarl, very giddy indeed. Of course he would have to retrieve the heart and some of the hives to make it official, but at this point Harry Potter was almost guaranteed to be one of the better Masters he had worked for.

Anyone who got along with Richard _that_ well already had the proper mindset for evil, or at least chaotic neutrality.

" **First things first...you had better get the heart back so you can properly claim the gauntlet. You can work on retrieving the hives during the holidays...plus if you space it out, no one will see your reign coming until it's too late,"** said Richard.

Seeing the glint in Harry's eyes, Gnarl's delight only rose in proportion to Richard's amusement on the matter. Oh yes...the gauntlet had definitely chosen well this time.

It took him two hours to find and retrieve the Tower Heart, and once he did that, the buzz in the back of his head turned into a constant hum. It wasn't unpleasant, but it was always there in the back of his mind.

The only thing he found weird was that it was, for some reason, deep within the Forbidden Forest.

At least Harry got to have some fun by setting a good chunk of the Acromantula nest he came across on fire. Considering the cheering section of Richard and Gnarl, which amusingly came with them pointing out survivors trying to escape the blaze, he had a lot of fun.

Besides...they had to deal with that weird dog who had been staring far too intently for it be an actual dog.

Gnarl, of course, was very quick to offer up the tower dungeons, sparse as they were for the moment. Richard agreed to share his tools, considering he rarely bothered to use them anymore.

Needless to say it was a very horrified Sirius Black who shifted from that dog form to see his godson with a massive fireball in hand ready to torch him.

This was so not how he wanted this day to go.


	9. Chapter 9

"Let me get this straight. You're my godfather. You were framed by a fourth member of your gang. You broke out and have some reasonable paranoia about Richard. You are also from a rather Dark family that had some creativity to people who pissed you off. Am I getting this right so far?" asked Harry a little too calmly for Sirius' sanity.

"Why aren't you freaking out about all this?"

"You're talking to the one who actually brought Richard in as a joke to break the one-year DADA curse, helped stuff Moaning Myrtle in a toilet for the better part of a year, exploded a good portion of the toilets to get her out, set several Slytherins on fire in the name of homework, and is currently working to get Dumbledore to choke on those damn lemon candies of his. Besides, we also have a deal with Snape. He leaves me alone and we don't set his greasy hair on fire for the third time in a week."

Sirius' jaw dropped with each prank, and if he had a tail he would have been wagging it like no tomorrow at the mention of setting Snape's hair on fire.

"Now, we have a few options. One, you could stay a 'guest' here in the dungeons. Two, I could make you the chief torturer with this Pettigrew as your first 'client', along with any Death Eater who piss me off too much to just set on fire to see them burn. Or three, we go our separate ways and you try to stay ahead of the Dementors," said Harry calmly.

Sirius didn't have to think about it.

"What was option two again?" he asked.

So what if his godson was a pyromaniac and more than slightly unhinged? Merlin only knew how well he would get along with his mother, may the bitch rot in whatever unholy hell she fell into when she finally _died_.

Hmm...maybe he could ask Richard to see she got extra special treatment. He _was_ Lord of the Thirteen Hells...maybe he had some pull with whichever one she landed in.

Harry grinned. It looked like he had his chief torturer and guide to the pure bloods.

Gnarl wiped a fake tear from his eye. They grew up so fast these days. And Harry was a charismatic inspiration. The way he played Black like a fiddle... it was beautiful.

" **Almost hard to believe he convinced _me_ to teach a bunch of snot nosed brats."**

Though teach wasn't the word most would use.

"It's so hard to find good Overlords these days. I blame modern society and it's stupidity," said Gnarl.

" **I agree. It's almost impossible to find a decent questing partner. Even Cale wasn't as bad as this current lot..."** said Richard, before an idea occurred to him. **"Think Harry would agree to set up mindless quests to toughen up the current generation and make things interesting again?"**

"You know you only need to bribe me with the proper form of chaos," said Harry, having heard that comment.

Sirius was in his dog form, wagging his tail.

He heard the word chaos and he liked it. Harry had promised pictures and memories of the chaos he had brought to Hogwarts. The sheer thought of setting Snape on fire was enough to bring a massive grin to his doggy face.

* * *

The twins had to bargain with their mother just to get out of her sight. The woman had become increasingly paranoid of late since Black escaped, and frankly they were sick of being coddled. Though Harry's request for them to bring Ron's pet rat was odd.

It didn't take much to fake Scabber's death and Harry agreed to pay for a new pet for Ron had been enough incentive. They didn't know why he wanted the stupid rat, or why they had to put him into a cage nearly impossible to escape from.

Quite a few unspoken questions were answered the second they found out 'Scabbers' was really an animagus. Just the thought of a grown man so close to their brother (idiot that he was) made them sick.

Fortunately Harry had the cure for that. He sicked them on the infamous Padfoot. The fact he had been framed was all they needed to immediately look at him with star struck eyes.

Harry wondered if he should pity the castle...then decided that if they hadn't gotten the hang of Richard yet, the twins armed with something new wasn't going to kill them.

Hopefully.

* * *

Sirius immediately saw the similarity between Fred and George and their uncles, who ironically enough were also a pair of twins named Fabion and Gideon. They used to be jokesters as well.

He didn't envy them _one_ bit having Molly as a mother.

Still, some of their ideas were revolutionary! It made his inner Marauder dance with glee.

The fact Harry was offering them the job as his personal potionmasters in exchange for being their silent partner in starting up their joke shop a little early...well, it was just more proof that the Marauder blood ran true in his godson, pyromaniac tendencies notwithstanding.

The amount of cackling between the three would give lesser men nightmares.

It just made the 'villagers' in Richard's home shrug and get back to work. Considering how terrifyingly well he got along with Harry, and the fact he had no problems with Richard setting up shop close to his tower, the two were practically neighbors at this point.

It made restoring the Overlord's tower much easier than normal, considering Harry didn't have to rely on the Browns to do the restoration.

After watching them 'rebuild' a small shack, he was glad to have the undead do the work. It was little wonder how quickly the tower fell apart if that was evidence of their work.

Gnarl of course, immediately approved of Harry's new 'assistant' Luna. Not only did she have some marvelously evil ideas for guards, but she was extremely well organized and very open minded. She would make a fine Lady of the tower.

There was a reason her name was "Lovegood" after all.

Harry promptly gave the lower levels of the tower to the basilisk, who agreed to guard them in exchange for not trying to destroy the undead who lead various farm animals to their doom for it to eat.

The serpent already liked Harry far more than it had that fool Tom.

It was to this scene that the Hogwarts letter came.

* * *

"Hmm? Hogsmeade?" said Harry.

Judging by this, his best bet was to ask (read: threaten) Petunia into signing it.

"Meh. Who needs permission when it's easier just to sneak out?" said Sirius.

And from what he saw of his godson, this would be cakewalk.

"Or I could claim to be 'escorting' Professor Richard to the village in exchange for ignoring the fact my muggle aunt refused to sign the sheet."

"Considering I heard a rumor that the Ministry is going to be posting guards in case I show up, you'd be better off sneaking out."

"What kind of 'guards'?" asked Harry. And why did he have a bad feeling about this?

"Think about it. It's the Ministry. Fudge and his lackeys couldn't wipe their own arse without detailed instructions and someone _helping_ them do it. Odds are they'll be stupid enough to post Dementors in an effort to 'protect' the students," said Sirius, rolling his eyes.

He had Peter in a dungeon. He provided a fresh torment each day for the traitor. Either his body gave out, or Sirius would get bored and send someone new to play with him. Probably the Red or Green minions, once Harry found the hive.

It was probably a fluke he found the Blues first.

"What are dementors?"

" **Souls that have decided to spread the misery and feed off dark emotions. They have this annoying ability to suck out 'souls' when all they really do is drain the memories and make it impossible to allow new memories to take hold. I remember the idiot who accidentally cast the curse that started the entire mess, but those things usually avoid me. I find them particularly satisfying to set on fire."**

"Will any fire do, or do I have to use a specific spell for it?"

" **In your case you would be better off using Overlord Fire. The Gauntlet will provide minimal protection, but considering your past I would highly recommend using ranged attacks."**

"...If they really are bringing dementors, do you think the students would enjoy a little target practice from the windows?" asked Harry, tilting his head.

Sirius, when he heard that, looked at his godson before cackling, maniacally.

Oh yes, the Marauder blood definitely ran true in him.

"HARRY!"

"OMPH!" said Harry, being tackled by Hermione.

"Do you have ANY idea how worried we were? Professor Dumbledore said you were kidnapped! No one had any idea where you were!" said Hermione.

"Kidnapped my finely shaped arse! I was with Professor Richard the entire time! Dumbledore _knows_ I'm his current official handler, and that Richard asked him how long I had to stay with my aunt for the wards to be charged. Do you really thing Black could deal with Professor Richard when he's bored? Or the fact I was at his quaint little village? Beside, the twins came to stay with us three weeks in! I was in more danger of eating a potioned treat from them than I was from Black!" said Harry, cutting off Molly Weasley and Hermione both.

Hermione's eyes narrowed.

"You were with Professor Richard all summer?"

"Aside from the ten days I was at Privet Drive, yes. If you don't believe me you can ask him yourself on the train. I only came here to pick up my yearly school supplies and get some new items for my pet dog Orion."

"You got a dog?" said Ron.

Harry whistled, and a massive (but surprisingly well groomed) hound padded up to him and obediently sat on command.

"This is Orion. Orion, say hi!"

The dog barked.

"He's well trained."

"He's part hell hound and Professor Richard helped," said Harry dismissively.

"Is he even allowed?"

"Technically he'll be sharing Professor Richard's personal room, so yes. There's nothing about odd pets being owned by the Professors after all."

Which was all true.

Sirius would be sharing a room with Richard, as Gnarl wanted the browns to get back into the swing of torture using Pettigrew as their subject. He would be kept barely alive and able to scream until Harry said otherwise. It still gave Gnarl shivers how delightfully insane and immoral Harry was.

Technically, Sirius was under probation until the truth came out. So if someone realized who the dog actually was, they could honestly claim they had a very effective guard on him the entire time.

Besides, unlike Pettigrew Sirius didn't feel right about sharing a room with a bunch of thirteen year old boys. The last thing he wanted was to be accidentally branded a pedophile or something.

"So what's this I heard about 'special guards' the Ministry is posting?" asked Harry, changing the subject.

As he caught up on all the latest gossip, Harry noted the looks Arthur and Molly were sending his way. He barely resisted the urge to roll his eyes.

In the event they tried to 'warn' him about Black, he was going to go on the offensive by pointing out he knew for a fact his godfather never had a trial and that he was already aware Sirius was his father's best friend.

Besides, with someone like Richard around, he should be more worried about being set on fire that he couldn't put out.

* * *

They were rolling along to the castle, and Harry was bored. A dangerous affliction considering who he was apprenticed to.

Fortunately for everyone else, Draco unknowingly provided a target early on enough for Harry to get his pyromaniac tendencies out on someone no one really gave a damn about.

That being said, they were all pretty surprised when the train slowed down far too early...and Harry's new dog started going nuts.

Harry had a baaaad feeling about this. Opening the window and sticking his head out, he saw cloaked figures about to board the train.

Considering he had a skill most wizards seemed to lack, it was pretty easy to put two and two together to get four.

"Hermione, Neville, hold onto my belt. I have some monsters to fry before they scar the students before Richard gets a chance to do it himself," said Harry calmly.

 _When in doubt, set things on fire._ That was his own personal motto about something he wasn't sure about.

Neville dutifully grabbed Harry's belt, keeping him from falling out the window.

Harry chanted something under his breath before he started shooting off enough fire to make himself a one-man flamethrower.

His aim was true and it made the 'things' start shrieking in a way that spoke volumes about them being something you didn't want on a train full of innocent children.

Anything that shrieked like _that_ couldn't possibly be healthy to be around.

Two more converged above, and Harry had to twist in order to get them. Whatever they were they made his skin crawl.

It wasn't until the train started moving again that someone pulled him back into it.

He came face-to-face with a tired man wearing second-hand robes with an odd expression.

"Exactly what do you think you were doing?" he asked, his voice tight.

Sirius had vacated the compartment to find Richard...the last thing he needed was to be busted by Remus this early.

"Setting what I think were dementors on fire."

"And what possessed you to set them on fire?"

Harry gave him a blank look.

"So...I'm not allowed to set anything that gives me the wiggins on fire? Even Malfoy and Snape when they get on my nerves?"

Hermione face palmed.

"Harry, you really need to stop hanging around Professor Richard so much."

"Considering I'm the only reason he hasn't gone insane from boredom by doing all the grading, that's not likely," said Harry amused.

"I still haven't forgiven you for giving me an 'Acceptable' you prat."

"For the last time, _no_ teacher worth their salt wants to read that long an essay! Maybe if you cut down on the amount you put in and keep it short and sweet you'd have better grades!" said Harry.

The teacher gave him a strange look.

"You're the Defense teacher's aide, aren't you?"

"It's either act as his TA and do all the grading, or have him set all the students on fire because he's bored. Who are you anyway?"

"Remus Lupin. I'm your new History teacher."

"Ah. Well at least you have a better chance to stay alive and intact, considering Richard is the DADA teacher. So far he's lasted longer than any other teacher for the past twenty years," said Harry far too cheerfully.

And by that, he meant the fact that Richard had agreed to come back for a _second_ year, much to McGonagall, Snape, Dumbledore and the Mediwitch's horror.


	10. Chapter 10

Lupin, once he finally met the DADA teacher, had to be placed at the other end of the table because apparently there was something about Richard's smell that made him gag horribly.

Needless to say that made Snape VERY happy, because otherwise Lupin would have had to sit next to _him_. He suddenly found a new, more pleasant use for the damn warlock who had a habit of blowing up his cauldrons for fun.

After everyone had eaten and Dumbledore had explained about the Dementors, Richard surprised everyone by standing up after the headmaster had finished.

" **It is with great amusement that I am announcing this year's class project. Everyone over first year will be learning how to Fwoosh, with these...dementors...as our targets. Until they are removed, you can earn a free pass as this week's target practice if you set a dementor on fire or otherwise do something unpleasant to it. Or do something _creative_ to a picture of the idiot who thought bringing a bunch of souls that like to devour memories was a bright idea, aka your beloved _Minister_. Please note my assistants will be happy to hold you while you throw a fireball at the creatures from the Defense window! The more you hit the less likely I am to set YOU on fire!"**

Lupin was horrified to see the interest perk up in the eyes of the students.

"How exactly did we end up with an undead warlock as teacher?"

"To be fair, thanks to him we've had the highest recorded grades for Defense and Charms since he started. And the worst a student has gotten was a little mental trauma and some singeing," said Sprout.

Imagine their surprise when the Defense grades shot up past even the top ICW school. And their charms work was now second to none.

"And no one is commenting on the fact we have an undead _warlock_ teaching Defense?"

"We're still trying to find the one who brought him out of whatever questing group he was tormenting to begin with. There's actually a betting pool on who will strangle them first," said Flitwick with a straight face. One held by the twins, who he suspected had an idea of who had brought Richard.

Flitwick's money was firmly on Harry Potter being the culprit, mostly because he was the go-to person to keeping Richard in line, and there had to be a reason he had an overly amused glint whenever the subject was brought up. However he liked the fact his class was now one of the more popular ones and that the older books were being checked out again that he didn't comment on his suspicions.

"Still...what exactly did he mean by 'fwoosh'?" asked Lupin in concern.

Harry, having heard that question in the quiet aftermath of Richard's rousing speech, perked up. He looked at Richard who nodded.

Harry's hand went up in a giant ball of fire with a loud "FWOOSH!"

"Do you fwoosh, professor Lupin?" he asked grinning.

* * *

"So explain to me again why you haven't announced yourself as the Overlord, despite the fact it automatically comes with girls in slutty armor and untold power with the goblins?" asked Sirius the next morning, having enjoyed the _look_ on Lupin's face when he saw that fireball.

"One, I'm too young to enjoy that sort of thing, at least until the hormones FINALLY kick in. Two, this allows me to enjoy a never ending prank on all the heroes who go on quests to overthrow the total ruler of the world."

Sirius perked up at the word prank.

"Details, and leave nothing out!"

Harry held up his right arm, where the Overlord gauntlet traditionally rested. It was currently disguised as a rather ominous bracelet.

"Here's how it would go. I go in disguised as a slightly cracked wizard who likes to set things on fire and kill people when bored. I help the heroes survive the journey to the Tower, earning life debts and creating new life long 'friends' along the way, all while Luna acts as the Overseer, which apparently _is_ a legitimate job that allows her minimal control oven ten of each of the Minions, with Hctib acting as general. Then, when they FINALLY reach the tower, they see Richard, assume HE'S the Overlord only for me to assume the throne, revealed the gauntlet along with the badass armor and control over all minions...and then Gnarl takes a photo of their expressions for the wall of heroes and questing groups."

Sirius, when he heard that, was on the floor laughing his ass off.

"And then, since I'll be gaining multiple life debts, I'll use one to order them to keep their mouths shut about who I actually am, then repeat until I get bored."

"Oh god, the look on people's faces finding out who you are! Learning that the 'evil one' they were meant to kick off the throne was _you_ the entire time just joining them for shits and giggles!"

" **Indeed, Harry came up with it while drunk, and we had great fun fleshing that plan out once the idiots at the Ministry learned the Overlord Tower was thriving again. Best of all, we get to rob them blind after and he gets any women he wants for his harem."**

"What about that brunette girl? The one who kept trying to strangle you for giving her 'Acceptables'?"

"I'll do the same thing I did for Luna. Direct her to the Guild and tell her to take a test so she can have access to the largest library in the world. Crabbe and Goyle already accepted my offer to act as guards for the throne room, once it's completed. They got pretty damn angry when they found out Voldemort was calling himself a dark lord when he wasn't even part of the Union of Darkness."

"Union of Darkness?" blinked Sirius.

"Apparently there is an actual guild for people who call themselves Evil or Dark, mostly to avoid keeping the old clichés around, though technically I was labeled Chaotic Neutral since I do occasionally freelance for the light, but the fact I'm Richard's apprentice and like to set people on fire got me the addendum of 'chaotic' instead of straight Neutral."

"Uh-huh. And what was my label?" asked Sirius out of curiosity.

"Chaotic Good. You're too familiar with 'Dark' spells to be labeled neutral and you enjoyed torturing Peter too much, but you're definitely not about to go on a killing spree so you got Chaotic good. Richard is Chaotic Neutral because of that quest he went on with Cale by the way."

"Weird. So what exactly do you have to do to be part of the Union?"

"You can take a test to become an official minion, Crabbe and Goyle will be getting extra study time with me for that part with the agreement I would set them up with some nice girls that won't have unibrows and actually _look_ like girls, which was more than Draco ever offered. Ironically the Guild will be paying me once I dispose of ol' Tom because he's not union and he's been giving us all a bad name."

"How so?"

"Well for one thing, while snakes _do_ provide a nice ambiance for evil, there is such a thing as going overboard and the Dark Mark was particularly tacky. His Death Eaters are also a major disappointment because they aren't very creative with their spellwork and the most that could be said of their intelligence level is that they are consistent. Besides, the fact Voldemort got taken out by someone not even two was a major embarrassment for them. Hence why my plan to set him on fire repeatedly and watch his minions burn was approved by the guild as my first long-term goal," said Harry.

"And your other long term goal was that questing idea?"

"Oh yeah. The guild members got a good laugh out of it and said it was a pretty hilarious one. Some even asked if I could send them copies of the looks on the heroes faces, since when I do go Overlord I plan to have my face covered so no one knows who I am," agreed Harry.

" **He's considered a prodigy and was made a full member once they heard about his idea of a joke on heroes. Needless to say we're not going to enlighten our counterparts in the League of Heroes about it."**

"Wonder what Dumbledore would have to say about this?"

"I bet you ten galleons he and Snape will go off into the sunset...and then get piss drunk when they find out what happened."

"I bet you twenty they end up in bed together," said Sirius almost immediately. The two shook on it. It was like James was back.

" **So what are we going to do with the werewolf?"**

"You mean Remus?" said Sirius.

" **He was pretty clear on his stance about me being here."**

"Like I care. I put an obscure and forgotten charm around the entire castle making it impossible for anyone to mention you're teaching here until you finally leave, so he can't really do anything about it. And if he tries, you can always have someone blab about him being a werewolf," said Harry flatly.

"Don't you have a class to teach?" asked Sirius. It was already well past breakfast and time for classes to start.

" **I am teaching. Harry lets me borrow his time turner so I'm teaching while he's in Charms,"** said Richard, before he added **"Coincidentally I'm considering adding the twins as extra T.A.'s in exchange for allowing the Gryffindor team to have a free pass the week before the games."**

"I could use the help. I can give them everyone below fourth year to claim impartiality while Luna and I handle four through seven. Plus that means we can hammer out other details for their prank shop."

"A pity you don't have female twins as your friends," joked Sirius.

Sensing the silence that followed, Sirius paused and looked at his godson.

"You don't have female twins currently your age at Hogwarts...do you?" he asked slowly.

"One's a gossipy girl who prefers fashion to common sense, and the other used to pick on Luna," said Harry flatly.

Or she did until Richard started sharing certain spells to summon Eldritch horrors with the girl. He was still amused Elttil Hctib took Harry's offer to act as General to his minion armies under the command of Luna, to better convince the League of Idiots she was the Overlord, when she was just an Overseer.

Since Harry currently _had_ an imp under his command, he wasn't slated for one of his own and Richard got to torment some other poor bastard for a while.

Hctib almost felt sorry for them. Almost.

* * *

Remus was having the weirdest teacher's meeting in his life.

Not only was Snape _not_ frothing at the mouth because he was there as a teacher, but he was also pretty damn smug about something.

The _thing_ walked in, once again setting Remus' poor nose into it's own private hell, and sat close to an overly amused Snape.

" **Ten galleons he chokes on something when he hears about it,"** he casually said to Snape.

"Twenty the old cat has a near heart-attack," countered Snape.

"...I bet five that it won't surprise those who are actually paying attention the last year," said Flitwick.

" **Usual odds?"**

The three nodded, to the annoyance of the others. Remus wondered what that was about.

"Anything you wish to share with us?" asked Dumbledore with a pained expression on his face.

" **Just that Harry joined the guild over the summer and his plan to set Tom Riddle aka Voldemort and his minions on fire was approved by the Guild Master,"** said Richard.

"Guild? What guild?" demanded McGonagall.

"One where you're required to have a current member of very good standing vouch for you, otherwise you're more likely to be labeled a 'scab' and have to suffer unfortunate ' _accidents'_ until you take the hint," said Snape.

In exchange for spying on Dumbledore and giving them a head start if he was planning something ridiculous like a marriage contract or the like, Richard helped Snape get rid of his tacky tattoo and become a low-grade member of the same guild.

Meaning if Voldemort finally got the balls to come out of hiding or 'resurrect' himself, Snape wouldn't be caught in the crossfire. He wasn't a Slytherin for nothing.

"Enough! What exactly is this Guild Severus?"

" **Essentially a group of people determined to avoid the overused clichés of 'evil' and to keep other people from bringing down the rest of them by being idiots. They consider Voldemort, for example, a nuisance and a scab because he overdoes it with the whole snake theme...but mainly because he got taken out by an infant. He's an embarrassment to the guild and the first real long-term assignment of Junior member Harry,"** said Richard proudly.

"The way you talk about it, you make it sound like Harry's a new Dark Lord or something," said Remus.

" **Actually he ranks as a Chaotic Neutral Lord, seeing as how he freelances with the 'good' guys, but still enjoys setting people who annoy him on fire,"** corrected Richard.

"So he's evil," said Remus.

" **The League of Heroes rejected his application because apparently, 'good guys don't enjoy setting people on _fire_ ,'"**said Richard, using finger quotes.

Dumbledore choked on a lemon drop, and Richard smirked as Snape and Flitwick handed over the galleons. They also handed Flitwick five.

"Why is no one else freaking out about a bloody _warlock_ in Hogwarts?" asked Lupin, because that was bugging the hell out of him.

"They let you in, didn't they?" countered Snape.

Richard was a nuisance so long as Harry kept the worst his bad habits under control. Lupin could be a real danger, because while a little trauma and fire damage could go away after a few years, being bitten by a werewolf was one stigma that was nearly impossible to get rid of.

If he honestly had to pick which one he would rather deal with, it would always be Richard, hands down.

At least with him it was never personal and didn't come with a _lot_ of bad memories.

He could emphasize with Harry about that part.


	11. Chapter 11

It was a strange sort of pride as Richard happily instructed the children on how to make things go 'fwoosh' and then seeing the light in their eyes as the dementors were set on fire. The screams of the unholy creatures that annoyed him were music to his ears.

The fact Harry rather gleefully mentioned he was no longer the out-of-the-closet pyromaniac in Gryffindor tower was even better.

Now there were a lot of children going 'fwoosh' and setting their defense homework ablaze.

Most teachers would be upset by that fact, but to Richard, it meant that they were finally going to try their luck at _attacking_ instead of defending for once.

Apparently Harry gave a rousing speech on how they should concentrate on taking out the day's frustrations with Professor Richard, rather than be afraid of him. He was subtly trying to set it up so that they could actually provide entertainment once he started the 'questing prank' until people finally figured out he was setting them up from the start.

Well that and he needed to get a decent staff he could trust not to make mistakes. For example, the twins were his potion masters, Hermione would be in charge of the library and research, Luna took care of things while he was away, while Crabbe and Goyle were mostly for intimidation.

They were big enough to scare people, but dumb enough to never question the commands of the one making their lives more comfortable and would give them things within reason.

Five minutes under Harry's command, and they were his for life. Simple thugs like them could understand not angering the one who gave them actual respect.

" **Remember children, there is no bad questions. Only ones that are so stupid that will get you set on fire...unless you hit first,"** said Richard in 'lecture' mode.

"Sir? Are we allowed to set _you_ on fire?" asked a particularly brave second year...who promptly tried to set him on fire.

"Very good! That's the initiative that will get you through life!" said Harry approvingly.

" **Ten points to Hufflepuff,"** said Richard, having remembered it was a Hufflepuff/Ravenclaw class.

The children were slightly disappointed when the bell rang...until Richard said that if their aim improved he would move on to ice shards and lightning if they were good.

Richard wiped away a fake tear.

" **They grow up so fast. Hard to believe they used to piss their pants in sight of me."**

"Harder to believe that people will soon no longer fear dementors once word gets out that the newest crop of students have been learning to cast wandlessly and how to aim properly," said Harry as dryly.

Oh yes, the 7th years like Oliver Wood had been particularly enthusiastic when they learned wandless magic was so prized that you could almost pick your career if you were any good at it. There had been a jump in auror and healers when people found out they could cast wandlessly.

Being able to heal without a wand was more than enough for people to overlook your potions grades, especially since Snape had been laying off non-Slytherins with Richard around.

Richard looked at the time.

" **Don't you have that meeting with Lupin in an hour?"**

"Thanks for reminding me. Bet you ten galleons he wants to talk about Black."

Richard rolled his eyes. That was a sucker's bet. Lupin seemed to be of the sentimental sort, so odds were he would try to convince Harry not to go looking for his 'psychotic' dogfather.

Or tell him stories about his parents.

Or try to turn him away from evil and Richard.

Either way, Lupin would either get with the program or be kicked out at the end of the year.

* * *

The first thing Harry did was stun Lupin while his back was turned. It was the last class of the day, so they could have a private chat where no one would find them and he could be assured of zero listening charms, since Snape had given Harry the head's up that Dumbledore wanted to overhear the entire conversation.

However, he was a werewolf so Harry didn't have much time to lose. With a little help from Sirius, who was polyjuiced to look like a random Gryffindor and his cloak, they had Remus in the Room of Requirement five minutes after stunning him.

Twenty minutes later found the werewolf awake and pretty pissed when he saw Sirius.

Before Lupin could get a single word out, Sirius had a letter he had Harry retrieve from the Marauder's Vault. Using his wand so Remus could read it, seeing as how he had never bothered to retrieve his, Harry held up a single finger.

"You get speaking rights back after you read this," he said flatly. He had already silenced the wolf before he woke up as a precaution.

Remus glared, but read the letter anyway. It was definitely James' handwriting...no way could Sirius fake that. The glare turned to confusion, shock and outright disbelief.

"Are you ready to be reasoned with or should we just obliviate you?" asked Harry, removing the charm.

"Before you try to yell, the room's already been silenced," warned Sirius.

"Is this real?" he asked.

"I got it out of the Marauder vault myself," said Harry, swearing with his magic for extra clarity.

"I was a fool to doubt you Padfoot," said Remus. Suddenly a lot of things made sense.

"He tricked us all. And now he's paying for it."

"How?"

Harry cheerfully held up his right hand...which was covered in a familiar gauntlet.

"The Overlord Gauntlet? But all records say it was destroyed!"

"More like Salazar Slytherin apparently absconded with the thing before he hid it in the basilisk's nest. Fortunately it seems to like me, but I'm not stupid enough to come out and declare myself Overlord while I'm still only thirteen. Besides...staying in the shadows means more fun for us all later," said Harry, grinning in a way that reminded Remus and Sirius hauntingly of James before a spectacular prank.

"He's going to go on elaborate quests to overthrow the Overlord, then reveal he was the bad guy all along and force people to keep their mouths shut about the truth," said Sirius grinning.

"Okay that I can see...but who brought that _thing_ to Hogwarts?" asked Remus. That was a question bugging him ever since he saw Richard.

Harry's insane grin only widened as he pulled out a massive hardcover book with the title " _Looking For Group_ ", with Richard's signature inside.

"You?!"

"Even we never got something this big over McGonagall and Dumbledore, eh, Moony?" grinned Sirius. He still found it hilarious.

"I refuse to fight Voldemort with the power of love. I'm not some damn magical girl," said Harry shuddering.

"'Power of Love'?" said Remus dryly, as Sirius undid the ropes.

"Dumbledore seems to think I killed Voldemort before with _love_. I prefer fire. I sent the initial letter as a joke, but I never knew Richard actually existed until he came to Hogwarts last year."

"Best prank I've ever heard of," agreed Sirius.

"Which reminds me...these are a copy of all the pranks Richard and I have played last year, up to and including blowing up half the castle's plumbing to get Myrtle out of the toilets."

"...Why was she in the toilets?" asked Remus, noticing Sirius' eyes glinting with amusement.

"Richard put her there after she got his robes soaked in toilet water that hadn't been properly flushed because she scared some firsty, and she wouldn't shut up. It's also why Peeves avoids him like the Black Plague," said Harry helpfully.

"And the toilets?"

"A cherry bomb with a chain spell that would detonate them all at the same time the primary one went off. Hid in the DADA room to provide ourselves an air-tight alibi. They still haven't caught the culprit."

"He's a right mini-Maruader, eh Moony? I'm thinking Pyro."

"Or Natsu!" offered Harry. He refused to be called Draco.

"Natsu?" said Remus dryly. Now that he wasn't freaking out over Richard, he could see the impishness in his cub. Clearly he just took after James in an unconventional way.

"It means 'summer' in Japanese. Or Homura, which means fire."

"How about Loki?" said Remus, cutting that discussion off. James' penchant for chaos and mischief, with Lily's brains and love of reading. Snape must be having kittens.

Sirius' eyes glinted.

"Loki it is then," he said with finality. If anyone fit the Trickster god and his darker nature, it was Harry.

"Now that that's out of the way, what sort of position would you be interested in once people find out the Overlord Tower is back in business?"

"Position?"

"Sirius is the head torturer...he's got experience with darker spells and he's not afraid to get a little dirty, plus he's been fully accredited by the guild. Coincidentally werewolves get a leg up in new membership, along with a spiffy card that makes it harder for the Ministry to ban you in Europe."

Most of the better shops were owned or run by the guild after all.

"Moony's always been good at research," offered Sirius.

"Only because you and Prongs were too lazy to do it yourselves," said Remus with half-heated annoyance.

"Hmm. How about a recruiter for the darker creatures? Odds are they're sick of Dumbledore's empty promises and Fenrir Greyback's lies. And if you join the guild you would get the satisfaction of killing Greyback yourself, with someone to hold the fool down."

"You don't discriminate against werewolves?"

"I asked _Richard_ of all people to come teach defense because I wanted to actually _live_ past my seventeenth birthday, which wasn't likely if what I saw my first year was any indication. Besides, I'm not entirely sane, and from what I've seen werewolves are normal folk outside of full moons. So long as you don't mind being near a village of the undead and act as guards, I could care less if you _did_ turn furry once a month," stated Harry flatly.

"He's got you there Moony."

"Hell, I even got Snape off my back by helping him join the guild and keeping Richard from blowing up his personal cauldrons every week."

Considering how much Snape loathed James, that in itself was a testament to his mindset.

"Besides, it's rather ironic how much the other teachers pity me because I'm Richard's assistant, when I was the one who asked him to come in the first place," said Harry with a grin.

Sirius went back under polyjuice (Harry would get some food from the kitchens for him later) and went straight to sleep in Richard's private rooms. No one sane would bother the warlock when he was sleeping.

* * *

"So the first Hogsmeade weekend is tomorrow," said Ron.

"So what? I have papers to grade."

Left unspoken was the fact he planned to sneak out anyway. Less crowds and no chance of dealing with Draco.

"Well it's good that I won't have to break the news that you aren't allowed outside the school Mr. Potter," said McGonagall.

"Because of some deranged wizard out for my life? I'm well aware of Black and Richard expressed an interest in the shop that Professor Sprout frequents so much, and he's taking me with him to carry it back," said Harry.

Hermione was thankfully in the library helping Pince for free access to the unseen parts of the library she kept hidden from casual students. Otherwise McGonagall would have known Harry was half-lying his ass off.

Richard had expressed an interest in the store, but he didn't need Harry to carry things back.

McGonagall's lips thinned.

"I suppose I could overlook it...provided you are accompanied by one of the Professors at all times and it _has_ to be outside Hogsmeade weekends," she said.

"...Does Hagrid count?"

"Considering Dumbledore made him a professor as well, yes."

Hagrid, while lax in safety when it came to animals, was fiercely protective of the students, house be damned. He didn't care if you were a Hufflepuff Seventh year or a lowly Slytherin firstie, he would defend them with his dying breath. He would protect Harry.

"You have all the luck," said Ron in amazement.

"It's called common sense and knowing how to play people. So long as I'm discreet and toe the line when it comes to rules, I can get away with practically everything. How else would the twins have survived five years of Hogwarts without being expelled for their pranks?" said Harry simply.


	12. Chapter 12

_**Okay, since someone complained about things going too well for Harry, I would like to point out that for the moment Harry is staying UNDER the radar. When Voldemort shows up things are going to get dicey. Right now Harry's just trying to headaches...like the one he would get from the League of Heroes once it gets out that he's the new Overlord.**_

* * *

All in all, Hogsmeade was actually boring once you got over the fact you could go to the village and escape...shudder...homework for a few hours. Compared to China, America, hell, even London, it was nothing more than a quaint village with little going for it. The closest thing to a hot spot was the Three Broomsticks, and that was because of the possibility of alcohol.

Naturally this meant Harry had to _literally_ keep a firm hand on the modified baby leash he had Flitwick charm up and put on the warlock, along with remove Richard's arms until they got back. It wouldn't stop him, but it would limit the amount of damage he could readily do.

Harry had already pushed his luck by spelling the entire student population from saying anything. The teachers wouldn't readily care unless they had to, as first year had so quickly proved...plus the fact _they_ hadn't bothered to bring up the fact that Richard was there to the Ministry last year.

So long as Harry kept up the appearance that he was keeping Richard to a minimum casualty, the teachers would overlook certain facts.

Like the fact Harry was obviously emulating Richard far too much to be healthy (just without the curse) or that perhaps there was a _reason_ he was able to handle Richard's brand of morbid insanity so easily. Richard moped until they reached the store, where he perked up in eagerness.

He had heard good things about this place, specifically that they could fill _almost_ any order for rare plants...for a price. The irony was that while potions, animals, and spells were heavily restricted, plants rarely were. If you were able to harvest the plant, then you could keep it. Only a rare few exceptions were even on the very short list...and that was because the herbologists got together to make one of an endangered list of plants.

If you were lucky to find them in the wilds, you were only allowed just enough to try and cultivate _one_ plant, usually by harvesting a single seed or bulb.

Ironically, for all the evil deeds and mass murder sprees, Richard was widely regarded as one of the best herbologists/botanists in the world, and had successfully brought back several previously considered extinct species.

Considering he generally left said flora in the ground around the Overlord's tower to grow unsupervised, it wasn't _that_ surprising. At most he came by every week after tea to do a little weeding. Once he was assured it would survive if left unattended, he generally forgot about it until he stumbled across a random entry in the Herbology magazine or Gardening subscription he had that month reminded him of the plant.

It was ironic, but Richard got most of his actual income from selling cuttings or seeds of those plants to fellow green thumbs. While those who relied primarily on their wands hated and feared him, he was a welcomed face in the annual herbology conventions.

Probably why the only people in the castle who didn't immediately fear Richard on sight outside of Harry, Luna or the twins were Professor Sprout and Neville.

While Harry was Richard's apprentice in magic, Neville was his apprentice as a fellow green thumb. Neville flourished under Richard's expert guidance, because gardening was the only nondestructive and people-friendly activity he consistently did.

Harry often wondered why none of the governments thought to simply _bribe_ Richard with rare or unusually deadly flora to avoid causing such a mess.

Then again...wizards and logic. Two things that, strangely, rarely went hand in hand.

Purchases in hand (for Harry anyway, who was levitating the entire thing back to the castle with Richard's leash in his other hand) he walked back and nodded to Filch. Filch thought a little better of him for getting rid of the nuisance known as Myrtle, who he used to mop after at least thrice a week.

Well that and Richard didn't make _nearly_ as much work for him as the others did. Most of the messes he made were generally cleaned up by Harry within minutes. After a quiet discussion with Filch, Harry started favoring fire spells that severed limbs, primarily because they cauterized the wound and decreased the amount of blood he'd have to clean up after classes.

As an unintended side effect, Harry's ability towards basic healing spells skyrocketed. Madam Pomphrey was seriously considering putting him into her club for those who had shown an aptitude towards healing magic. As it stood, Harry's constant practice of the basic spells had reduced the amount of students sent for actual injuries considerably. He was also becoming very proficient as a junior Obliviator, as he had a standing offer to erase the more...memorable trauma...from the students, and would just give them a summary of that day's class, along with any spells taught that day.

It was mostly the purebloods who took him up on that offer.

* * *

Hermione stared at her only real friend. Most people found her extremely abrasive once they got over the shock of her bossy personality.

"What."

"I'm offering you the chance at unlimited research potential without fear of any real censure from the Ministry, along with the largest library you will ever encounter, with no restrictions for what you can and can't read," repeated Harry.

"And what, exactly, would I have to do to get this?"

"A few things, but nothing that would grate against your personal morals."

Hermione waited patiently.

"First you would have to take a simple series of tests, but you can study up for the more advanced ones. That will get you into personalized classes and even more opportunity to show off how smart you are. After that you would have to sort and organize all the books I'll be getting once I graduate and Voldemort is dealt with. The only thing I want you to do is basically act as my personal librarian and help Professor Remus research anything you think will be of use."

"That's it?" she said in disbelief. That didn't sound hard...in fact it sounded rather appealing.

"Anything other than that would be entirely up to you."

Luna had already happily agreed to act as Overseer once the tower was fully established. The fact that such a position would lead hand-in-hand with being the Overlady and in charge of what would undoubtedly end up being a _massive_ harem was just a nice perk.

A harem that Ginny, for all her machinations, was unlikely to be part of unless she demonstrated a useful attribute to Harry's growing empire.

He had already discreetly dominated the Slytherins the moment the more intelligent of them had recognized the relatively unused form of the Overlord gauntlet. They had researched the symbols (primarily to see if it was something useful or if Richard had made it) and once word spread among their ranks about what now was, those who had actual cunning and ambition flocked to his banner in the hopes of him sharing the wealth to the quick witted.

From those like Blaise Zabini, who's mother was a notorious black Widow, to Daphne Greengrass and Tracy Davis. It was mostly kept to those of strictly neutral families...those that would see his status as a full member of the Guild and know he wasn't one of Dumbledore's mindless pawns, like the Weasleys.

His Master was Richard, who was notorious for his disdain of Voldemort, even before the Guild became involved.

In short, Harry was an unofficial third party that was recruiting.

Considering the only other choice was A) a lying old wizard who didn't keep his promises and wouldn't hesitate to sacrifice one of his loyal members in the hopes of 'redemption' to those who didn't care about it, or B) a hypocrite who had a bad habit of torturing his own minions for some perceived slight and was defeated by a bloody infant, the choice was very clear.

Besides...Harry had Richard on his side and was being trained by him. Only an idiot of the highest caliber would choose Voldemort or Dumbledore over a rising powerhouse that so far at least understood the concept of loyalty and had yet to do anything that would dissuade people from his side. Not to mention was a parselmouth that didn't overuse the whole snake theme.

"So no harem?"

"Not unless you were interested, and once I have everything up and running you can expect some very well padded funding."

"How well padded?"

"Well Richard and I will be making a trip to Africa this year...so..."

Hermione mentally counted to five. It used to be ten, but constant exposure to Richard made recovery time from sudden migraines drop.

"You're going to commandeer the diamond mines and the like aren't you?"

Harry beamed at her. Hermione might not be the smartest witch, but what she lacked in ability to retain information, she made up for in common sense.

"Save a few villages from the bandits and warlords, buy up the rights to the mines, give the villagers a kind, friendly new lord...and they'll pay me to keep the less pleasant idiots out."

"Just be sure to get vaccinated and avoid the sick. The last thing I need to find out is to learn you accidentally contracted AIDs or something..." said Hermione in defeat.

There was little she could do to reverse the effect Richard had on Harry, but as long as he didn't drag her into his madness to far, she would look the other way. Besides, Harry was offering her a dream job, with the promise of letting her do something she would be hard pressed to find anywhere else.

Harry smiled winningly at her.

"Why Hermione, what on earth makes you think I would associate with any villagers directly? I'm more interested in setting the warlords on fire and seizing everything they own."

"So long as you aren't killing anyone that will get you arrested."

Harry beamed at her. She was still a work in progress, but she had made great strides towards being easier to live with overall.

* * *

"Ah, Mr. Potter, a moment please."

Harry paused. He was supposed to head back to the DADA classroom, but Madam Pomprhey was one the people he hesitated to piss off.

He stood still and kept his eyes forward.

"Your spellwork in healing is exemplary, and I see no reason why you couldn't move on to the intermediate books. The Mastery level books, however, will require you to take the same tests every healer takes," said the witch.

"How many can I read before I'm required to take tests."

"Advanced is the highest level before you're required to get a license."

"Considering I'm the only one who bothers to undo the damage everyone does to Richard, I might as well go as far as I can before I have to take the oaths."

If you took the healer's oath, then you were rather limited on who you could heal. And he knew for a fact Richard wasn't on that particular list of acceptable creatures to heal.

Pomprhey handed him three new books, each more difficult than the last. At best, Harry would be labeled a 'battlefield medic' in the healer circles. It meant he had the training to at least do triage, but wasn't allowed to do the more delicate work like surgery.

* * *

The first Quidditch match of the season, and it was against Hufflepuff. Draco, the idiot, had deliberately pissed off Professor Richard and demanded he go to Madam Pomphrey rather than trust Harry to do the job...and then used it as an excuse to avoid playing in the rain.

Harry barely avoided the urge to hex him to the point his excuse to avoid getting wet was _legitimate_. Barely. He very nearly drew the line when Draco's whining nearly had him doing the prep work for him in potions, at least until Snape correctly interpreted the look on Harry's face and told Draco he could make the potion once his injury had 'healed'.

So here Harry was, flying through rain and strong winds just to catch a ball that people only cared about because it would end the game. Honestly, he felt being a chaser or beater would be more fun...at least then he wouldn't be sitting on a cold broom just getting soaked to the bone just to find a tiny ball that he could only see thanks to the lightning strikes.

Finally, he saw the stupid thing and went flying towards it. The sooner he caught the snitch, the sooner he could get warmed up.

At least, that was the plan...

One minute he was racing towards the ball so he could get something warm to drink, the next memories of his 'relatives' slammed into him. Every moment they neglected him, every time they called him a freak or punished him for being better than Dudley, every time he was locked in that damn cupboard for something he either didn't do or because of accidental magic... it all hit him like a brick.

The only reason he didn't pass out was because thanks to the Overlord gauntlet, he was able to set them on fire in his mind's eye, while reaching for the snitch.

That was when he realized there were dementors on the pitch. Sure, their numbers had dropped like a stone since Richard taught the students how to throw fireballs and ice shards at the damn things, but for some inane reason the Minister kept replacing the ones killed.

Several flew up to Harry, sensing that he had the more 'delicious' memories to eat.

He could feel his very life being sucked away, and it pissed him off. He managed to snag the stupid ball that had him flying in the rain, shoved it in his pocket, then took a dive with his broom.

If he could get within reach of Richard, the warlock would be able to handle them while he landed. He needed to be on solid ground to make a flamethrower, otherwise the sheer power behind it might make him crash.

However the moment he saw what was waiting for him on the pitch, he knew that plan was ruined. The entire field was _flooded_ with the damn things.

The draining was getting worse. He could feel his strength giving out on him as they dug even deeper, seeking more and more traumatic memories to feed on.

Eventually they struck gold at the memory of his mother dying to save him...and his rage overtook the weakness the dementors caused.

He reached deep into his core and _pulled_ at his magic. Hoping for something, anything to happen that would allow him to strike back.

And his magic answered...by letting him use his animagus form without any training whatsoever, or having any idea what his animal form even _was_. All he would remember was the fire, the shrieks from the monsters, and the sensation of falling unconscious on the pitch as his body receded back into itself.

It wouldn't be until the next morning when he finally woke up and found what happened during the game...and to his broom.

Needless to say he was pretty damn pissed when he found out that the things had cost him a broom and nearly killed him in the process.


	13. Chapter 13

**_Is secretly hoping someone will grace me with a TVtropes page for this story... (hint hint). And no, I am not revealing what his animagus form is...all I can say was that it's magic intensive and Harry could only access it out of desperation...and that it was pitch black in color. Hence why not even Richard has any idea what it is._**

* * *

Richard was not happy, and for once he was on the same page as Dumbledore and nearly every teacher in the school.

Those dementors had swiftly passed from the nuisance stage to something that needed to be dealt with.

If they hadn't targeted Harry specifically, they could have just as easily gone after the rest of the students and the teachers would have been practically helpless to avoid casualties.

They didn't know what Harry did to destroy so many, but whatever it had been had literally drained his core until there was a bare ember when there should have been a volcano. Poppy had restricted a less than happy Harry to reading only. He wasn't to cast magic or use any magical objects for a week at the very least, a month at the worst.

Which meant Richard was, for better or worse, off the leash Harry normally kept him on. Fortunately it was pretty clear to everyone that the warlock was more interested in flambeing some dementors than going on a rampage among the castle inhabitants.

Case in point, when he summoned a small meteor shower after hearing the news and destroyed fifty of the things before the twins calmed him down by informing him Harry was awake.

Say what you would about the warlock, but once you were on his good side he did actually show a semblance of giving a damn about what happened to you. Like when he didn't entirely kill Cale when they first met, and even took him to a cleric...or let him get away with all those stupid 'Dick' jokes he seemed to have great pleasure in making around him.

* * *

Hermione looked frazzled. Harry, in his irritation with the girl, waited until he was finally cleared to use magic again before he confiscated her time turner.

"You will get this back the next DADA lesson. Until then you will ask for that day's assignment and actually _sleep_ instead of relying on your time turner to get to class," said Harry firmly. As TA he could legally confiscate it and not have to deal with McGonagall. The fact he was also one of the few students who bothered to learn healing meant he could take it away if it impacted Hermione's health.

Hermione looked frustrated, but at least she knew he wouldn't keep it. Why would he bother when he had one of his own?

Harry grumbled under his breath as he headed to the kitchens for a snack...when Draco Malfoy crossed his path. Of course he still had Hermione's time turner in hand, fully intent on handing it to the mediwitch to return once Hermione no longer had bags under her eyes.

Draco took one look at the thing and sneered at him. Every since he 'miraculously' healed after the game, he had been getting on Harry's last nerve. So when he tried to take the time turner in his hand, his patience snapped. Harry drew his wand, causing Draco to instinctively draw his.

What happened next would have Draco in more trouble than even his father could get him out of.

A spell hit the time turner in Harry's hand, causing to shatter and spill time sand all over him...which in turn reacted to the Overlord fire Harry had in his right hand along with the artifact.

It was a little known fact that Overlords used an inter-dimensional spell to get around through the Tower network, or that it didn't really react well to foreign magics. Most of the time, nothing at all would happen...but there were certain powers that would cause an unusual reaction.

Time magic happened to be one of them. Why Gnarl remembered a particularly memorable incident when one of the Overlords got stuck fighting his predecessor because some hero got lucky with a spell meant to slow down the Overlord and instead flung him to the past.

It nearly cause a paradox, but evil always finds a way. In this case, Gnarl knocked out the 'future' Overlord, threw him into the dungeons and waited for the effect to wear off.

Gnarl was more or less the Overlord trainer. Once they had the gist of how things worked, he kept things running until the Overlord was kicked out.

Richard, who had more or less been following Harry out of boredom, realized what was happening before Harry did. He scowled (as much as one could with a mask on) at Draco.

Harry vanished with a flare of dark fire, and Richard immediately told the boy, **"Detention with Filch until he comes back."**

Draco smirked. Detention with that pathetic squib wasn't much of a punishment and odds were his Head of House would switch it over to himself in a week.

Draco was quickly disabused of that notion when Snape curtly informed him that the detention would stand until Harry's return...mainly because Draco had apparently forgotten the _only_ person capable of talking Richard down was the same Gryffindor he had just sent to parts unknown for who knew how long. It was either Filch or act as Richard's new bitch and target until Harry came back.

To make matters worse, Richard had told Peeves to make the boy's life hell...and Filch to make the annoying brat clean up after said poltergiest until Harry's return. The man was more than happy to agree to the terms...especially when Snape personally confiscated Draco's wand during each detention. Draco would learn some damn humility whether he liked it or not.

* * *

One minute he was dueling Draco, the next he found himself falling through time and space...to crash land in Surrey?

"Damn Malfoy. I'm going to make him wish it had been the twins who caught him when I'm through with his pale ass."

"Uh...hello?"

He looked up to find...an older version of himself?

Instead of panicking, he reached into his bag to pull out a questionnaire that the Guild of Multiverse Trolls had made for all new members of their brother organization that Harry was a part of.

Question one (in the event you find yourself confronting an older/younger version of yourself): What year is it?

Question two: ask something banal that would establish if you are in an alternate timeline or somehow got sent into the future by mistake.

Question three: find out if they did anything to bring you there.

His 'older' self looked confused beyond reason, but still answered his questions.

"So...who are you?"

"Apparently I'm you from the past. Now are there any events I should be aware of for year four and five?" he asked simply.

"Fourth year we get dragged into a tournament and Voldemort comes back," said his older self.

Harry hissed.

"That scab is back? The Guild must be informed."

"Guild? What guild?"

"Guild of the Dark. Non-union members are highly frowned upon because they often overuse certain cliches. Voldemort, for example, overuses the snake theme and none of his minions are union. Which means anyone who _is_ part of the Guild can set them on fire and not get arrested for it later."

His older self perked up.

"Does that include Snape?"

"Well in my world I helped him to become part of the guild, but I don't think he had the same luck here. And his hair goes up _really_ well when you set it on fire," said Harry. Then he grinned evilly "Besides, members of the guild can live wherever the hell they want and no one can say jack about it."

"Where do I sign up?" asked his older self a little too eagerly.

"First let's get anything you actually want to keep, then I'll get the Knight bus to drop us off where the guild usually keeps their permanent base."

Harry snuck into the house, robbed it of anything magical including the owl, then snuck out. The two of them went a little past Little Whinging into Greater Whinging before hailing the Knight Bus.

"Where to?" asked Stan.

"The Guild of Lawyers please," said Harry.

His older self had an odd look on his face.

"Seven sickles each, and a waiver stating that we hold no responsibility once you leave the bus," said Stan without hesitation. One must always cross the 'T' and dot the 'I' around the guild of Lawyers.

Harry and his older self signed the waiver, handed over a galleon and got a few sickles back.

* * *

"Welcome to the Guild of Lawyers. How may we help sue you?" asked the greeter. It was rare for someone to come here voluntarily.

Harry promptly handed over his guild license, stating he was a Level 1 Overlord of Evil and Level 9 apprentice of Evil.

"Ah. Got dropped in the wrong timeline I take it?"

"Time turner and the Overlord gauntlet. I need help contacting the Guild to tell them that the Scab Lord Voodletort is back, and he will need help suing most of Magical Britain for slander, theft, and unlawful use of his name," said Harry, hooking a thumb to his older self.

"Wait, what?"

Harry looked at him.

"Did you authorize the use of your name in those children's books? Or the dolls? Or the so-called 'autobiographies'?"

"Well no..."

"Are you aware that the Ministry has been slandering your name since the end of that tournament?" asked the greeter.

"What?!"

"And let's not forget the fact that you've had no training as a Lord and Heir to a noble house, that the most you've probably seen is the trust vault, and the fact you could legally declare right of conquest and really screw over Voodletort before I get to him."

His older self looked very out of his depth. So Harry hammered one last fact into him.

"Did you know Dumbledore was banned from the League of Heroes because he dumped you with your magic-hating aunt? He's overdue for a reminder of why the Guild and the League hate scabs."

"I don't know about this..." said his older self.

"You want to be left alone, right? And not have to deal with that whole boy-who-lived crap anymore?" asked Harry.

"Yeah?"

"Well why don't you join the Guild of Lawyers? I mean nobody tries to harass them nearly as much as they do boy-heroes. Not to mention that you could threaten to sue anyone who bothers you like Malfoy for defamation of character. Or better yet, the Durselys for years of abuse," said Harry.

"What did you do to your version of the Durselys?"

"Threatened to do worse than what I did to Marge and that stupid dog of hers."

"Do I really want to know?"

"I euthanized the entire kennel and had Ripper put down by cops," said Harry deadpan.

"Right. Where do I sign up?" asked his older self. The greeter smirked.

* * *

"ID," said the greeter of the Guild of Darkness. Harry promptly flashed his Guild License...and set his left one on fire.

"Are we going to have problems or will I have to melt your face?" he asked with a sadistic grin.

The greeter was unfazed. He was a member of long standing and was used to death threats.

"Where's your Master?"

"I landed in an alternate timeline. Coincidentally I have news the Dark Peerage should be informed of."

It took a little doing, some face melting of random homunculi that the Guild had to clean the place, and a lot of explaining, but eventually he was brought before the office that hunted down scabs and reminded them that they weren't welcome. At least not without being blasted repeatedly.

"So the fool called Voldemort is back. We had heard rumors, but that was it."

"I would like to submit a request to go after him personally and set both the scab and his crappy minions on fire, preferably eldritch or fiend fire," said Harry immediately.

"Approved. If only so you have a chance to prove yourself a true member of the Guild," said the dour man.

"I would also like to submit the request that any...survivors...be made to do the paperwork for removal of the scab lord and his non-union minions," added Harry.

"Also approved, and may I say it's nice to see a youngster with some actual initiative. It's rare that one as young as yourself with any sense of real evil."

Harry grinned.

Paperwork was the invention of the devil, and most of the Guild used the lower members to do it for them once they got to a point they could order people around without reprisal. They might tolerate the rookies, but that didn't mean they allowed them to get above themselves.

It was pretty much the real life equivalent of the Slytherin house.

Harry decided to go by the name Loki. Mainly because otherwise it would be so easy to confuse the two.

So when Dumbledore finally took note that his 'protege' wasn't at Privet Drive anymore, he went into panic mode.

Harry was just pissed that some idiot at the Ministry _dared_ to claim his older self had cast the Patronus charm in front of his cousin. For that to happen some fool must have sent dementors after him.

Fortunately, there was an easy way to resolve this without having to go to court...though the Minister was already on thin ice with the Guild for false accusations and attempted slander on junior guild member Harry Potter without any evidence to even remotely support it.

Because they were far too happy to take advantage of a weak-willed and corrupt politician, his older self found the _entire_ guild behind him as they countered the under-age magic charge with a false allegation and slander. Especially since Harry had been studying to take the exam to become a member of the guild during the time the Ministry _claimed_ he had cast the patronus charm.

Harry had taken plenty of pictures of Fudge's "OH SHIT!" look when he realized the entire guild of lawyers was now gunning for him...and that Harry was now a rookie member of said guild.

The expression made him all warm and fuzzy inside.


	14. Chapter 14

The Order of the Phoenix. A secret club for people who actually believed the crap that came out of Dumbledore's mouth. Or in the case of one Sirius Black, it was either join or have to deal with Death Eaters trying to recruit you whether you wanted in or not.

Harry and 'Loki' were not impressed. They had been having a decent summer in their respective guilds (with Loki converting Harry to the fun of blowing things up and setting people you don't like on fire, and teaching the other boy how to 'fwoosh' without a wand...which meant the Ministry couldn't track it) when Dumbledore somehow managed to drag them to an old house that had only recently started to be cleaned.

Needless to say they weren't happy about the fact, and Sirius had a rather amusing look on his face when Harry started talking specifics on how badly they were going to sue the Ministry for the fact he had been in jail for twelve years without even a trial.

And then there was Hermione, who was beyond upset finding out _how_ Loki ended up where he was.

Apparently the fact he was a T.A. that confiscated her time turner only for it to be wreaked by Draco made her furious.

Of course Loki did _not_ mention he fully planned to replace it with some spares the guild had lying around.

Though he had to admit, cornering Snape in an unused room and then setting him on fire was particularly enjoyable. Especially when the greasy-haired bastard spilled where he could find Voldemort.

Snape didn't know who this Loki boy was or why he looked like a younger Potter brat...but he did know that it was a very stupid idea to withhold information from someone who was not only part of the Guild of Darkness but had no hesitation whatsoever in melting faces off and setting you on fire with a smile on their face.

That being said, Sirius surprised him by letting the boy raid the Black family library for protecting his pup. Though he was confused as to why Loki mostly swiped any books on healing and countercurses.

On the plus side, because he rarely bothered with the really dark stuff, the Order didn't think to take the books from him. After all, what harm could there be from learning how to heal?

Of course had they know Loki often went into in-depth discussions on dark magic with Sirius' mother in her painting, they would have been far more worried.

Walpurga was just pleased that her disappointing son's heir happened to be suitably dark, even if he _was_ a half-blood. She even directed him to the more useful books, so long as he made sure that Dumbledore never got his hands on them. Odds were he would destroy them if he did, or they would vanish into his personal library.

Considering it was either give the books to a half-blood that might actually make some use out of them and restore the glory of the Black family name, or allow the extreme pacifist to abscond with them, there wasn't much of a choice.

At the very least, she quit screaming nearly as much with Loki around.

* * *

"So let me get this straight. We're going to attack Malfoy Manor, set any Death Eaters and Voldemort on fire...and then when we capture any survivors we're making them doing paperwork in triplicate?"

"All while you serve papers forcing them to pay extreme fines for not being part of the guild and bringing down the name of Dark Lords everywhere. There's a reason why the Guild of Lawyers is associated with the Guild of Darkness. We don't like scabs, and unlike the League of Heroes we make sure they learn to either join the union or pay the price," said Loki flatly.

Harry shivered. He had seen the Wall of Scabs, which was held what was _left_ of said fools in the Guild of Darkness while visiting Loki.

He was mostly waiting for someone from the affiliate Union of Multiverse Trolls to show up and bring him home. No point wasting his time when he could have someone who knew what they were doing drop him off.

* * *

"Remind me why I agreed to come with you?" said Sirius. Beside him was a worried Remus...but Remus was always like that, from what he understood about the man.

"Because you get to see your alternate godson set Lucius Malfoy's pretty blond hair on fire."

Sirius' eyes gleamed.

"That would do it."

"That being said, I did have the foresight to call in back up so they won't escape as easily."

"Back-up?" said Remus, hopeful for more guild members...right before his nose started screaming. He recoiled as the stench of death hit him like a brick. "What in the name of Merlin is that smell?!"

"Ah! He made it. You have no idea how pleased I was that he was here too," said Loki pleased.

Sirius' eyes widened comically as a cowled figure with pale white skin, green lightning tattoos above his left eye and glowing yellow eyes that didn't show even a hint of mercy walked up.

" **This had better be entertaining. You have no idea how creative I get when I'm bored,"** said Richard.

"The scab known as Voodletort, or whatever the hell name he goes by is currently in the residence. Feel free to melt faces off or turn them into icicles to cool your drinks with while we make the entire place go up in a nice 'fwoosh'," said Loki simply. He spoke merciless psychopath very well at this point.

Richard almost smiled. In truth the only reason he came was because he was terribly bored at the moment.

"Everyone understand their roles?" asked Loki.

They all nodded. Sirius would keep Harry from being killed, seeing as how he was only slightly queasy about using fireballs on Death Eaters, Remus would rob the Malfoy library blind, while Loki delivered the papers and then killed or captured anyone left.

Richard was more or less there to verify that Loki followed all the rules of dealing with scabs and taking out any idiots who managed to escape Loki that weren't captured outright. Loki needed a confirmed member of the guild to confirm the deaths in order for this to be even _remotely_ legal in the eye of the Lawyers.

Their main goal was to preferably set everyone who wasn't in their group on fire. Especially if their name was Malfoy.

Loki set his hand into an icy death before he charged forward crying "FOR PONY!"

Richard looked very amused as he joined him, having already made it impossible for those inside to escape via portkey, apparition or other magical travel. And brooms were so very easy to set on fire.

* * *

Loki waltzed right into the chamber where Voldemort sat, surrounded by his sycophants. In his hands was the paperwork drawn up by the Guild of Lawyers. Voldemort looked vaguely amused, unaware that Richard was hiding under the cloak ready to set them all on fire for no reason other than boredom. Or rip their skeletons out. Or turn them into ice cubes. Or attack them with reanimated house elves...on fire.

"Tom Marvolo Riddle, aka Scab Lord Voldemort, aka He-who-must-not-be named, aka You-know-who. I am here to inform you that the Guild of Darkness is giving you a one hour warning before we level your hideout and any captured minions shall be henceforth placed under a level-five evil plot. Failure to meet registered Guild standards will result in the immediate termination of you and your 'Death Eaters', as is required by guild regulations. Any attempts to kill or otherwise harm the envoy from the guild will result in immediate termination and you being set on fire that will never stop burning, your current base robbed, leveled to the ground, salted and then all remnants sent to another plain where the souls of the damned will use it to dump their wastes," said Loki in a clear, official voice with his guild badge in full view of everyone.

It was clear he was only the messenger...for now.

"And what, exactly, is a level-five evil plot?" sneered Lucius.

Loki's blank expression didn't change as he said "Level-five is a special kind of hell in which the members of the guild dump all the paperwork that's normally allocated to rookie members and the victims are forced to fill them out in quadruplicate before filing them with the Guild of Lawyers, as well as act as test dummies for new dark spells of unimaginable pain. Surviving it guarantees a one-year reprieve for the victim provided they meet guild standards the next time they become minions or attempt to strike out on their own. Or if they're particularly stupid, to quit the game altogether to become cannon fodder the next go around."

"And what makes you think we're afraid of you, _Potter_ ," sneered Draco.

"Because if you try to attack me or waste the scant hour given, I've been given permission to incinerate, decapitate, castrate, boil alive, melt with acid, and otherwise maim anyone stupid enough to piss me off," said Loki as if he were commenting on the weather. To emphasize that he was being entirely serious, he raised his right hand and it erupted with a loud 'fwoosh'.

"How are we supposed to meet guild standards in... forty-five minutes?!" demanded Narcissa. She was a Black, which meant she knew full well how strict the Guild was. They had only given them an hour to instill a false sense of hope and to shut up the League.

"If you are only affiliated with this group by proxy and not by membership, you are free to leave and will not be punished," said Loki evenly. It was another thing that kept the League of Heroes from being more annoying than they already were.

Narcissa didn't even have to think about it.

"If you live through this husband, you can find Draco and I in the Caribbean," said Narcissa to Lucius. She had the house elves pack everything and left for the Black home on a secluded island, dragging a protesting Draco the entire way.

Lucius sputtered in fury. How dare his wife leave like that!

Bellatrix didn't say anything...until... "How much to remove the tattoo and become an official union minion?"

"You would need a member of good standing to vouch for you and pay a fifty galleon fine for the removal of the tattoo. If you wait outside I can see what I can do to arrange for you to be registered properly," he said promptly.

"Bella, what..." started her husband.

"And the death of your husband wouldn't hurt either. Coincidentally which one of you three tortured the Longbottoms into a coma?"

"I mostly made sure the brat lived," offered Bellatrix. She was a sucker for babies, seeing as how she hadn't know her damn husband was gay until after the wedding. It had been a blow to her pride and she had been sworn to secrecy on the fact after she was married to him.

"Right. Kill the other two and I'll help with the paperwork. After I send their heads to the Longbottoms."

Bellatrix didn't hesitate, despite being an insane bitch. She killed the other two and promptly walked out the door to where her sister was waiting for her.

"Any other takers?" he asked calmly.

Voldemort was pissed. In one fell swoop he had lost one of his best fighters.

"Crucio!" he snarled. The spell bounced off the shield Loki had around himself.

"You have just terminated the remaining twenty-three minutes you had left. Coincidentally allow me to introduce my colleague who has agreed to help level the place...Richard."

Seeing the realization come onto their faces as they realized how boned they were was particularly satisfying.

In unison, the two of them brought forth ice and fire into each hand.

"Now...do try to survive so we have some nice test subjects for later," said Loki with an insane expression on his face, scaring them more than his blank one while delivering the terms of the guild. This wasn't some bored bureaucrat...this was someone who planned on killing them all with a smile on his face and a song on his lips.

* * *

Bellatrix and Narcissa winced at the sound of screaming. It was better to wait until they were done inside and the wards broke than to try and leave without permission.

"So let me get this straight...you two are planning to either leave the country or join the same guild that ordered the death of your husbands...and you aren't complaining why?" asked Harry utterly confused.

"I'm actually a union member since I graduated Hogwarts, but I never found out he was a scab until it was too late. They go easier on you if you've kept your dues up to date, and only an idiot goes up against either of the guilds," explained Bellatrix.

"And I'm not stupid enough to deal with a member with the rank of Overlord when I never joined that damn club in the first place. And there's no way I was ever letting my son join it either."

"I'm confused."

"Every Black either becomes a member or is warned of the consequences of being a Dark Lord without joining the union. The Blacks have been paying membership and support fees for centuries, and it eases the way when we join. Why did you think it was so easy for you to join the Guild of Lawyers?" asked Sirius knowingly.

"He's part of that guild?" said Narcissa impressed.

"I have pictures of the Minister's 'Oh shit!' face when the guild came down on his ass for slander and fraudulent charges."

"...Are those skeletons on fire killing the Death Eaters?" asked Remus, watching from the window.

"Hey look, it's Peter!" said Sirius a little too gleefully as he watched the rat bastard run around on fire before his face burned off.

"Don't those idiots know stop, drop, and roll?" said Harry.

"He's using fiendfire and Overlord fire. It's not going to help much," said Draco a little numbly. Suddenly he wasn't nearly as angry at his mother for getting him out of there.

In the end they massacred fifty Death Eaters, ripped out Voldemort's skeleton and set it on his own minions before using an acid spell to turn it into some unrecognizable mush, and captured seven poor bastards who would be filling out all the paperwork and acting as test dummies for anyone who was bored.

And the entire time Loki was letting off an evil cackle that made Richard happy inside.

"Burn bitches burn!"


	15. Chapter 15

Loki was not amused. He had pretty much put an end to Voldemort for his older self, since now that they knew about the soul pieces they were being hunted down by expert trackers and destroyed.

However because he had essentially ended several lines, despite the fact Richard helped, he was being charged with murder and about to be thrown into Azkaban for 'being an Overlord'. Despite the fact it was all perfectly above the board and legal because he had gone through official channels and made sure all the papers were signed in the right places.

On the plus side, he had been upgraded from a level 1 Overlord of Evil and Level 9 apprentice of Evil to a Level 5 Overlord and level 2 Journeyman of Evil. Apparently the guild was _very_ impressed with how he took out Voldemort and the creativity he showed.

Bellatrix, as penance for her tenure under Voldemort despite the fact she hadn't known he was a Scab before joining, was to serve under Loki until her probation was over. Considering it was a relatively _light_ sentence, she accepted it eagerly.

Narcissa and Draco were leaving Europe. No way in hell were they sticking around until things had calmed.

It was to little surprise of Loki when someone bearing the crest of the Union of Multiverse Trolls strolled in and undid the chains around him.

"You certainly took your time," said Loki, as if he were commenting on the weather.

"Blame the paperwork having to go through an annoying amount of idiots first."

The man was clearly some form of vampire, but at this point Loki could care less.

"Who are you?!" demanded Fudge, who had barely kept his position as Minister.

"Zelretch. I'm here on official Union business."

"And what Union is that?" asked a toad-like woman with an unhealthy fetish for pink.

"The one where I get rid of your Overlord problem without fearing he'll come back to kill you all for presuming to banish or arrest him," deadpanned Zelretch.

"I hate paperwork," said Loki. Honestly, it took them three months to finally clear him for multiverse travel?

"Who doesn't? Coincidentally this now opens you to becoming one of my many _victims_ ," said Zelretch a little too cheerfully.

"Bring it on fangface. I'll burn it all to the ground!" said Loki with an insane evil cackle.

Zelretch's grin didn't diminish, and the two vanished without a trace.

* * *

When Loki returned to the castle, the moment the students saw him they let off an almighty cheer.

A bored Richard was terrifying...and without Harry to amuse him, he had grown _very_ bored.

Zelretch was openly amused.

It took Harry five minutes to find Hermione, and the first thing he did was dump the spare time turner in Hermione's hands.

"Have you learned your lesson about overdoing it?" he asked.

"Yes. Madam Pomphrey read me the riot act because she said I had dangerously over-strained my core."

"Good. Now if you'll excuse me I have something important that needs to be done," said Harry.

* * *

Bellatrix knew her job as Harry's current double agent. They were going to Azkaban, though she would have a seal on her that would keep the Dementors from making her forget who her allegiance was to once she was re-registered as a Class 7 minion to the Overlord.

You do not want to forget something as minor as re-registering when it came to the Guild.

Once in Azkaban, Harry interrogated the one in the cell. The moment he found out Bellatrix Lestrange in this life had never heard of the Guild (or learned proper fear towards angering a large group of sadistic dark lords who hated scabs) he had his minion bind her and take her place. No one would notice Bellatrix was a few years older than she should be, and with Sirius gone no one saw the switch. He had the cell right across from hers.

Now if Voldemort broke out the Death Eaters again, he wouldn't be aware of the spy in his ranks that only answered to him. Snape was good, but he had firmly said if Voldemort came back he was going to stay inside the guild making potions. He already had his tattoo removed, so he couldn't answer even if he wanted to.

Besides, Bellatrix hated her husband anyway.

"Gnarl, be sure to feed the basilisk. I don't want my pet going hungry and this pathetic scab might as well be of some use once Sirius or the minions are through with her," ordered Harry.

"As you wish, Overlord. And may I say it's good to have someone who's properly evil and cunning compared to the last bunch of idiots who had the gauntlet."

Harry smirked. It wasn't nice, and it was sure to tell the League where his allegiances lay if he ever ran into one.

"I fully plan on getting a Nundu before New Years, considering we're planning on cleaning out certain sections of Africa for Christmas this year."

"Have you cleared it with the Guild?" asked Gnarl promptly. He had to remind certain Overlords about infringing on the territory of others a few times before they were kicked out.

"Of course. I have a map that will warn me if I'm about to enter the territory of another member I don't outrank and can't dispose of in a particularly creative Evil Plot," said Harry.

"My mistake, lord. It's so good to have someone who knows the proper ways of evil and isn't afraid to get his hands dirty," said Gnarl. He would have to thank Richard for training this one.

* * *

"So Mr. Potter, when exactly did you vanish off to?" asked Flitwick a week after he came back. Richard was off on an unsupervised raid on the few remaining Dementors, as the Ministry was planning to replenish them soon. Apparently they hadn't gotten the memo the creatures weren't wanted.

"Apparently I went to an alternate future were Professor Richard never came to Hogwarts. Instead we had Professor Lockhart, who turned out to be a major liar and drove everyone nuts...while turning the girls into idiots," said Harry.

"How bad?" asked Sprout.

"He got on everyone's nerves and tried to tell them how to do their jobs...and Valentine's Day he hired a bunch of Dwarves to act as 'cupids' who sang off-key. And in the end, instead of actually proving he wasn't a complete idiot, he tried to sacrifice three students to prove he was a big hero," said Harry in open disgust.

The teachers mimicked his expression. That did sound like a nightmare and a half.

"Well you missed Halloween and they had to have a replacement for you during the previous Quidditch match...coincidentally I have it on good authority Wood is praising every god he can think of that you're back," said McGonagall.

It hadn't been too bad...Draco was too busy trying to avoid the bludgers to notice that the replacement (who ironically enough turned out to be Percy) had caught the snitch.

It had shocked the hell out of the twins that Percy could be a decent seeker, but he preferred to study instead. At the very least it gave them reason to lay off their more annoying older brother...and focus more on their manner-less younger one instead. Ron was not happy. At all.

They didn't win, but at the very least Harry would be able to give them something to work with next game.

He absolutely did _not_ mention that Voldemort would be back next year. He wanted to deal with that personally, because the Guild like to keep things in-house.

* * *

The first thing Harry did when he saw Richard was hand him a bag.

" **What's this?"**

"Present from your alternate self and a member of the Union of Trolls. Apparently I amused the Zelretch so much he shared some of the more unusual cuttings he had come across. All of them are deadly in some way and most of them will attack without provocation."

Richard looked very happy.

" **Just for that I'm sending you on a vacation into the past once they year is over so you can traumatize that idiot Cale with the thought of there being two of me,"** said Richard.

"And how exactly will I get back?"

" **I have a few artifacts that automatically return you to the time you came from once the power runs out."**

"Neat. I take it we're doing it in the Overlord's tower?"

" **Why bother worrying about the League of Heroes when they have yet to pick up that it's back together?"**

"Coincidentally according to my alternate self, Voodletort's coming back next year and I'll be part of a tournament that is relatively boring. On the plus side, if I work things right I'll be able to get my hands on my own dragon egg and blame the League of Heroes for the kidnapping," said Harry.

After hearing what happened to Cedric Diggory, Harry took his time to come up with a plan. In the end what he had in mind was devious, evil and fit perfectly within guild standards.

If things played out like the did with his alternate, then when he returned with a dead body he could blame an ambush from the League of Heroes. Odds were they wouldn't like the fact Richard now had an apprentice as twisted as he was, only mortal, so they might send someone to take him out early.

It meant the Ministry wouldn't be able to slander him and if anyone was stupid enough to complain about the fact he had killed off a few Death Eaters, well he could send the Guild after them. And if they did try, well Harry was sure his alternate would be more than happy to sue them until they wore rags.

"Coincidentally I plan on getting a nundu kitten while we're in Africa for Christmas. Sirius has been very enthusiastic about breaking Bella in, so we should have an idea of whom to hit if that idiot does return."

" **I thought he had an agreement not to kill family, no matter how deranged they are?"**

"He does, which is why once she's of no use I have a standing order for Gnarl to feed her to the basilisk while he's on break. He knows nothing, he did nothing, and it doesn't require any effort on his part to kill her."

Richard nodded approvingly as he sipped his tea. It really was quite good and Harry made triple sure to have every variety of _good_ tea stocked, especially in the tower. He was a Brit, and therefor liked tea, no matter the source.

However for late nights and far too early mornings, he had the strongest coffee that could legally be _called_ coffee. It was also classed as low-grade paint thinner and he could honestly claim it had once caused an inferi to rise without a spell.

He got the brand from one of the older Guild members who drank several cups of it in the morning. One whom many suspected was a vampire or other Undead, not that they cared.

* * *

"Sir, we have confirmation that Richard's apprentice was dropped off at his school last week. One of the League's trainees, one Seamus Finnegan, reported that an affiliate with the guild, Union Troll Zelretch, found and dropped off Harry Potter after he was sent into an alternate future by an accident involving a time turner he confiscated from another."

"What was the purpose of the confiscation, and how much damage did he do?" asked the League's top hero promptly.

"He confiscated it citing the girl was overusing it in order to attend more classes, and the medi-witch on site backed up his actions. He also gave her another one since the original was destroyed. According to our reports via the Union of Multiverse trolls, the worst thing he did was set his alternate on a different path, while at the same time taking down the scab lord Voldemort and setting fire to his mansion. He's also claimed one Bellatrix Lestrange as his minion, and currently has her taking the place of herself in Azkaban according to an level 4 infiltration plot. Here's the paperwork for it."

"Different path?"

"Apparently he's convinced his alternate to join the Guild of Lawyers sir. Something about how the Ministry bungled up one too many times and they needed to remind Minister Fudge he's not the one in charge," replied the lackey, er, sidekick.

"Any new reports on Richard?"

"According to this the class has started increasing their grades again, now that his 'minder' has returned. Oh, and he has expressed an interest in sending his apprentice to the past to get some extra training and annoy his previous minder Cale'anon."

"So long as he doesn't change the past too much, it's not our problem," stated the hero flatly.

"Yes sir."

"Was that all?"

"Yes, sir."

"Dismissed."

It was a shame the Potter boy had turned to evil, but at least he wasn't...shudder...a scab like Voldemort. Or worse, an misguided fool like Dumbledore. And the boy at least paid attention to proper protocol, which was a bad habit some of the new bloods kept forgetting.

Things were so much simpler with the sides of good and evil organized and more than willing to cooperate with each other in exchange for keeping things civil. Not to mention it was less embarrassing.

He could still remember the memories of how it _used_ to be. Heroes dressing up in ugly spandex making ridiculous speeches, magical girls going _on and on_ about love and friendship, sidekicks acting like idiots or low-level minions from the guild...and most importantly, the damage claims from all the fighting.

It was much tidier now.

The guild kept the cliches from being overused (evil mustaches, gloomy castles or overly idiotic female minions acting like cheap floozies for a chance to sleep with the hero, causing no end of headaches if they got pregnant), and the league kept all the heroes from looking like Saturday morning cartoon rejects (overly bright smiles, far too much spandex, and sidekicks that couldn't pour piss from a boot with instructions on the heel).

And of course, the now wide-spread usage of cameras that they could use to back up damage claims and the papers excusing them for accidents. The Guild of Lawyers was evil, but in a neutral way and at least they kept things tidy. Not to mention they helped immensely when the female minions accidentally got knocked up by the heroes (or occasionally their boss) when it came time to pay the piper for child fees.

(There was a mutual agreement not to take it out on the children, and they had a lesser known day-care guild that took the children in until one or both parents were out of jail. It was less headache than dealing with child services and trying to locate your kids through adoption agencies.)


	16. Chapter 16

It was hot, it was arid, and it was dry except for a small oasis. Thank you water charms.

" **Remind me again why we're here?"**

"To claim one of the known diamond mines, possibly ousting some lower ranked Guild member in an evil plot, and to get a Nundu for a pet. You'll get to blow people up," said Harry flatly, well used to Richard's habits.

" **I still don't get why you would want a nundu."**

"Because I've seen Sooba and I'm a huge fan of how it kills things. Besides, I like large cats that can kill just by breathing on you," said Harry distracted.

Finally Harry found the perfect place to start. It bordered an unclaimed territory (primarily because the inhabitants were right in a major disease hotspot, which meant no one wanted to go near it) and the owner of the one next to it was low-ranked enough that he could file an evil plot and not get told off for because the guy was so weak. The only reason he had kept it to this point was because his area bordered the hotspot.

Which meant he could claim two territories for the price of one. His Overlord aura was strong enough to keep any _mundane_ diseases from infecting him. It came from having control over the Greens, even if he hadn't found the hive just yet.

You couldn't control a green minion without being immune to any disease that _wasn't_ geared towards an Overlord, and those were damn near impossible to come by and were never fatal.

The two flew over to the area, where Harry went to see exactly how bad the hot spot was.

Instead he overheard about how some of the younger people often made the mistake of drinking from the 'evil oasis' and how there were stories of green imps that could kill a man with a touch, but were almost impossible to see when they didn't want to.

That sounded a hell of a lot like the green minions, which was odd because last he checked they preferred swamps.

Harry waited until dark before he found Richard.

"Change of plans, I may have a lead on the Green minion hive. If I'm right, I'll have this village's eternal loyalty and a pair diamond mines to boot."

" **How so?"**

"The villagers said something about green imps near an oasis that cause death if they touch you. There's also rumors that if you drink the water, you're as good as dead in a day. I bet you anything the hive was placed there on purpose back when this place was still green...that oasis might have been a swamp, but as land dried up the minions lost the ability to move it. And considering the factor of underwater streams, it's likely the greens are responsible for some of the infectious diseases found in Africa. The water diluting their natural poisons or decaying corpses," explained Harry, eyes gleaming.

" **Very well thought out and reasoned. Let's see if your theory is correct. And if it is, we can just poison the idiot who lives two villages over before we set fire to his base."**

"Ah, the fun of rampant death and destruction to someone no one particularly cares about."

Harry's guess was spot on. Who knew AIDS was caused by the decaying corpses of green minions getting into the water table underground?

With an active Overlord, Harry was able to remove the green minions safely...and he called the African Ministry to inform them that the 'source' of many deadly diseases had been removed, and the area would need to be cleaned out in order to keep new ones from spreading. They would also have to purify the water source to hopefully cut off the source of some of the more viral diseases.

Harry walked away several thousand galleons richer for 'removing' the imps and had the title to the diamond mine in his vault. With the agreement to heal the tribesmen (which mostly involved turning them into undead under Richard's command to mine the diamonds without having to worry too much about them being killed by accidents) Harry even got their loyalty. Anyone stupid enough to attack the village in hopes of stealing the diamonds was in for a nasty surprise.

* * *

Derrick was a ten-year-long member of the Guild. He wasn't particularly powerful, he wasn't very intelligent or cunning, but what he lacked in brains or brawn he made up for in the ability to plan ahead and being able to see things most people wouldn't normally pick up on.

Like the fact the imps that kept killing people could only leave a certain distance from their watering hole...otherwise the villagers would have been dead years ago. And as long as they were there, no one would try to take the two mines.

He had a nice comfortable income all for a little risk that no one would dare take from him.

At least, that was what he thought.

His day began as usual. Some coffee, a little intimidation and threatening one of his lazy workers to go and scout the imps, and of course, the paperwork.

That was when he saw something that almost made him think he was hallucinating.

Red imps.

He scoffed at the idea. The imps were green, poisonous and you could smell the damn things a mile off.

That was when he heard the screaming, and looked out the window. The imps were throwing fireballs, and walked through flames raiding his personal compound without any damage.

Seeing the smaller figure in full evil armor, he knew what this was. He quickly went to his computer and found an e-mail from the guild.

" _To Derrick, level 13 member devoted understudy to Evil:_

 _We are sending a missive to inform you that a level 5 Overlord/Level 2 Journeyman of Evil has officially declared a level seven Evil Plot to annex your claim in Africa. If you wish to defend said claim, you must successfully drive off the main force in no less than 24 hours of the attack. Failure to do so will result in loss of your property and or life...as well as standing in the Guild._

 _Have a nice day."_

Seeing the undead warlock behind him shouting out tips and giving him a running score on his performance, Derrick realized one thing.

He was so screwed.

That was clearly Richard's apprentice, the one who got relocated temporarily for an entire month and came back with a status upgrade. Still, he was only a kid. Even with those weird imps backing him.

He knew they were fragile...one good hit with a spear and the things _died_. These new ones were likely to be the same, and that kid was still just a Hogwarts third year. No way could he handle an older member of the guild when the missive clearly stated that it was an Overlord who was challenging him, not Richard personally.

Derrick raced down the steps, ready to kick this brat out of his territory. You could only challenge another guild member over their claim twice a year. If the kid failed he would have plenty of time to upgrade his defenses in the event he tried again.

That was before the kid unleashed something he really wasn't expecting to face. A massive eighty-foot basilisk that followed his orders. No one mentioned the brat was a parselmouth and had an ancient basilisk!

" _ **Derrick, I presume. You did get the memo right?"**_

He nodded numbly.

" _ **Good. Then I don't have to explain in simple terms that you have exactly an hour to collect your things and vacate the area, otherwise I'll be more than happy to set my friend here on you and allow my teacher to set fire to your corpse out of boredom."**_

He had two choices. Either face this kid and his massive pet, or flee and try again later. There was no shame in acknowledging a superior Evil.

Derrick packed everything. Just because he was letting go of the area he had claimed didn't mean he was going to let the kid take everything worth any real value.

When the hour was up, he apparated to the first port he could find to report his reasoning for abandoning a profitable mine. Hopefully the worst that would happen was that he dropped a rank.

* * *

Harry looked through what was left of the library. Idiot took all the newer texts and books known to have good resale value, but left the _useful_ ones behind. No wonder he was only an understudy of evil. He must have lucked out getting this area!

" **What's the verdict?"**

"Let's loot the place and you can set the mansion on fire. Leave no stone unturned, no painting unchecked. We're going to gut this place down to the foundations," said Harry evilly.

Harry brought Sirius with him. As a pure blood of a darker family he would have a better understanding of hiding places.

Between the two of them the place was barely left standing and they uncovered several bolt holes with cash, gems and other trinkets the idiot had either forgotten about or had no idea were there.

The minions took it all back to the Tower to be sorted, and they set the place ablaze.

Harry then went to the local village and set down the law.

He wouldn't interfere in the day-to-day lives of the villagers...that wasn't his problem. The only time they were to call him was if they needed help disposing of interlopers, such as bandits who liked to raid villages or anyone after the mines. Anyone stupid enough to try and use the place as their new source of income would be in for a nasty surprise, because Harry wasn't going to tolerate their brand of evil. He also would help out in the event too many got sick, because sick villagers couldn't work at the mines. He offered better benefits and pay compared to Derrick.

The fact he removed the imps and alerted the Ministry it was safe to purify the water was more than enough for them to accept him as the new owner of the place.

* * *

"How was your Christmas Harry?" asked Neville.

"It was fine. Visited Africa, got rid of some bandits and some jerk exploiting the place and guaranteed good health insurance and better pay in exchange for them doing a little mining," said Harry.

"What?"

"There are diamond mines in Africa...and wasn't there some big news about some oasis?" asked Hermione.

It was all over the magical news that the source of several infectious (and deadly) diseases had been found and that the Ministry was in the process of cleaning it out to make the place better. Apparently it was a thousand year old spring with some unsavory creatures that caused the problem.

"Oh that. Yeah I found some weird imps and offered them a better location that didn't have an underground water source near their home. Then I called the Ministry and told them it was safe to clear the place and hopefully purify it."

Hermione stared at him.

"Oh and I've gotten some new books that are old, have been properly restored and look rather useful."

Judging by the look in Hermione's eyes, she was willing to tackle him for a chance to read them.

"You pass the Guild's test, and I'll give _you_ access to my current library, with the agreement that you'll act as the one who keeps them in order and does the research with Professor Lupin."

"Deal. Where do I take this test?"

"I'll bring you after the year is over. You interested Neville? They've got access to some really rare plants and Richard could always use help pruning the garden he has."

Neville perked up at that.

"What Guild is this?"

"The same one Richard and I are a part of, and we have affiliate branches like the one that Richard happens to be the Guild leader of," said Harry.

"Guild leader? To what?"

"The Guild of Unusual Gardeners," said Harry with a straight face.

Neville grinned.

"I've heard of that guild! Professor Sprout says they even have a special area where they cultivate extinct or lost plants and bring them back!"

"Special area my ass. Professor Richard gets a sample or cutting, plants it around the tower, takes care of it for a full year and then forgets about it until he sees an article in some gardening magazines he reads every month...which is when he brings a big enough cutting for others to transplant and bring back," said Harry snorting.

Neville looked at Harry with more fire in his eyes than he had ever seen in three years.

"You said I just have to pass the Guild tests and I get access to that garden right?"

"You pass those tests, and you can act as the one who crossbreeds the plants and helps Richard bring the older ones back. He still has seeds that are from extinct plants kept alive under stasis charms so he can show up other herbologists," said Harry.

Neville had a maniacal gleam in his eye. It was actually rather refreshing to see the slightly pudgy boy look excited about something.

* * *

 _In the Overlord Tower..._

"Has anyone seen the insane twit I've been working on for the past month and a half?" asked Sirius.

"Master said to take the insane woman to the dungeons once she was useless," said Gnarl.

"What? Why?"

"Your contract says clearly that you didn't want to kill family, and she's your cousin. So the master ordered us to use her as basilisk food once she was of no more use since he's already replaced her with her alternate."

"Is she still alive?" asked Sirius hopeful. He hated Bellatrix and someone had to share the memories of her being killed by basilisk with the Longbottom family later.

"I believe so. She's survived rather admirably and holed up in one of the room. The basilisk should be about done with the door in a few minutes."

"Quick! To the break room for popcorn and other snacks!" said Sirius, dashing off to the kitchens where the Potter house elves were making food for those in the Tower.

They mostly helped to clean and repair the tower since the minions weren't very good at that sort of thing.

Sirius watched as Bellatrix Lestrange was stalked and then devoured by Slither the basilisk. He was cheering on the snake, because it couldn't have happened to a _nicer_ woman. She deserved worse and he knew it.


	17. Chapter 17

_**And now, for a quick commercial break:**_

Harry couldn't believe what he was seeing. Richard was helping a little old granny down the street. He promptly walked into an orphanage, grabbed an infant left by some teenaged mother, then went up to Richard. The caretaker hadn't even realized the brat was gone yet.

"Richard, eat this infant."

" **Why?"**

"Because you're acting like (shudder) a _Hero_."

Richard blinked, looked at what he was doing, then ate the infant to the horror of the little old granny.

"Better?"

" **Much better."**

He then proceeded to set the granny and the orphanage on fire.

Harry looked at the horrified audience.

"You're not you when you're hungry. Evil satisfies."

(Okay, I had to get that out of my system after one too many _Snickers_ commercials.)

* * *

Harry looked at the Slytherin sixth years with a raised eyebrow.

"What happened to you?" he had to ask, knowing it would be amusing.

"Reanimated rabid raccoons and badgers with lasers on their head set on fire and in the mood to mate with something," deadpanned the only girl who had more or less been used as the target for the last class before Harry returned. Lucie Champagne, if he remembered right.

"Huh. I owe him fifteen galleons. I bet Professor Richard wouldn't be able to add lasers to a reanimated mammal and have it set on fire without the thing exploding before it got to fire it at least once," mused Harry. Lucie twitched. "Anyway since Professor Richard has been dismembered at the request of the staff...again...for the twentieth time this year... I shall act as the substitute until he finds some poor idiot who can use a sticking charm on his limbs and head."

At this point the staff was more or less used to Richard's antics. Or perhaps the word should be apathetic. So long as he kept his damage setting to maim rather than kill, they turned a blind eye to his presence in the school.

The students gave a pain-filled 'huzzah' (Harry didn't attack them with nearly the same frequency as Richard) as they set about learning how to cast silently.

Mainly the shield spell, considering they had to deal with Richard on a weekly basis.

* * *

 _ **PETER PETTIGREW REAL TRAITOR! SIRIUS BLACK TO RECEIVE COMPESATION FOR FALSE IMPRISONMENT!**_

"Huh. So he got tired of playing with the rat."

" **Actually from what I understand there was a small miscommunication between the minions and the Greens accidentally set the idiot loose while he was on one of his breaks. The rat managed to apparate to the Ministry and all but handed himself to the Aurors. Apparently he believes Azkaban a better alternative,"** said Richard dryly.

"I suppose it would be a good idea to remind him that he's not that lucky, he only got a small break," mused Harry.

There was a law that allowed the head of a house to claim a prisoner from Azkaban to force them to serve like a house elf until the debt was repaid. Sirius, as head of the Black family, had enough clout he could simply walk in and get the rat back legally until he died or Sirius got tired of using him as a test dummy.

" **That reminds me. Dark Lady Mandy sent you this through the Guild post,"** said Richard.

" _'Mandy's Lessons On How To Be Properly Evil While Maintaining An Innocent Facade'_?"

" **Apparently she caught wind of your long term goals after that idiot is dealt with,"** shrugged Richard.

Dark Lady Mandy was _infamous_ among the Guild for having bound Death to her when she was still a child. She was the Vice-Master of the Guild, because she was so evil she made some of the older members look like Rookies.

Ironically Richard was the First Member, but he had gotten bored listening to the whining of the lesser members, so he handed over the reigns to various other members who amused him enough. Every so often though, he would retake it if he felt the current leader wasn't being evil enough.

Rumor had it that Mandy was next-in-line once Richard got tired of the current leader...or the man died from 'mysterious' circumstances.

If she was reaching out to him now, that meant she was probably preparing to take over the guild and leaving Harry as her replacement. Either that or she wanted to chat. 50-50.

He just hoped he could see Mandy's pet reaper. He was sure it would be hilarious.

Harry wrote a quick missive to Sirius, informing him of the law that would allow him to reclaim Pettigrew from Azkaban to 'settle the debt' the rat owed the House of Black for framing him. Considering Peter would likely be...enjoying...the memories of all the experiments Sirius performed on him while he was a guest of the tower, it would give the unhinged ex-prisoner time to think of new tortures.

" **So...does this mean no more dementors?"** asked Richard _almost_ disappointed.

"Well look at the bright side. This means I can start planning on how much I'm going to make Cale'anon freak out at the thought of there being two of you," said Harry. That made Richard perk up. Good thing the end of the year was coming up...as was the last chance Wood had for winning the Cup before he left Hogwarts.

* * *

End of the Year exams were considered frightful, especially considering how Richard administrated them.

He upped his damage-quota to 'permanent maiming' and told his students they had to survive a set time limit that Harry would strictly monitor. The teachers kept Richard far, far from the Ministry-sent examiners so they didn't find out who the DADA teacher actually was.

As migraine-inducing as having Richard around was, grades were at their highest point in years and the students were actually paying attention in classes again.

For the younger years it was two minutes. For sixth years it was five. Those in fifth and seventh were automatically except from the course...as was Harry because he was the TA.

"I so can't wait for summer to come. Only a lousy week with the idiots, then I get to have some real fun!" said Harry after the fourth-year Ravenclaws were finished dodging...er, testing.

That was roughly when Harry heard a commotion at the gates. He, along with the other students, went to see what was going on through the window...apparently the Minister had come on "official business" with Hagrid. Harry only hoped it wasn't about Buckbeak.

Malfoy had been a pain in the ass the entire time he pretended he was injured.

Harry later learned that the Minister had come to kill Buckbeak, only to find out that the beast in question had been sold to an "anonymous" private owner shortly after Draco was injured.

And by anonymous, that meant Harry had 'paid' Hogwarts the price of an adult Hippogryff. Buckbeak was promptly transferred to the Overlord Tower as a guard dog for the above-ground access. Since the beast was no longer around the students, the Minister couldn't do anything about it because Dumbledore provided a proof of sale written with a griffin feather.

And without finding the owner, they couldn't 'dispose' of Buckbeak.

Harry might return the regal creature back to the school once the issue had died down. It wasn't like the Minister would know it was him, since he never saw the hippogryff.

At least Hagrid didn't have to deal with seeing Buckbeak killed.

Though the look on the Minister's face when Harry lead the other students into a mass slaughtering of the dementors (what few were left anyway) was pretty damn hilarious...as was the expression of the man they had sent to kill Buckbeak.

* * *

" **You know what to do once you reach the past, right?"**

"Find you, scare Cale and get a picture of his expression the moment he realizes there's not two of you."

"And?" said Sirius.

"Study up on how to become an animagus so I have an ace up my sleeve."

Contrary to popular belief, he wasn't in fact a dragon animagus.

He was a nekomata animagus, though he had to explain to Sirius what a nekomata was.

Sirius honestly had no idea there were giant two-tailed cats that could fly, change size and shoot flames out of their mouths.

Harry took a deep breath, and waited for Richard to be done with his chanting. They were in the Tower's ritual room, to avoid any...mishaps, courtesy of the League of Heroes or any other outside forces.

He could feel the magic taking effect.

Then, nothing. At least until he realized he was falling, _again_. At least he had his Firebolt this time.

 _Back in the Tower..._

" **Oops."**

"Oops? What do you mean 'oops'?"

" **I made a slight miscalculation. He'll probably live, but he won't enjoy it when he finds out. Though if I know my apprentice he still has the Guild of Multiverse Trolls on speed dial after what happened earlier."**

"What. Did. You. Do?" said Sirius.

" **I may or may not have shorted out the 'return' part of the item I gave him."**

Sirius groaned. This was the problem with working with warlocks. They didn't think things through or test things first!

 _Back with Harry..._

Harry took a look around and realized he had at least hit the target point. Shortly before the battle where the shining city vanished because Cale 'killed' an innocent child.

Be funny to see the elf's face when he learned that the 'child' was in fact that annoying arch mage.

Harry found where Richard was, and grinned. He had just finished massacring that boring village.

He dropped down and waited for the warlock to see him.

" **Like my work?"** he asked.

"Impressive, but not nearly as creative as you could have been," said Harry.

" **Oh?"**

"You didn't pose the corpses for one and their screams were _barely_ loud enough to reach the height I was flying at," said Harry.

Richard didn't stare, but he did pause before asking **"And what would you suggest?"**

"Well for starters you could have had their skeletons dance something ridiculous while they were killing their former 'friends' and family, not to mention leave the dead bodies in hilarious positions for people to stare at later until the flesh rots," said Harry honestly.

The two sized each other up, before Richard held out a bloodied hand.

" **Richard."**

"Harry. I'm actually your apprentice from very far off in the future here to give Cale'anon a heart attack at the thought of a second you."

Richard chuckled darkly as lightning crashed in the sky, despite the lack of clouds. It was nice to have an honest critique of his work. That chuckle turned into laughter as Harry promptly tried to set his master on fire, just because he could.

* * *

Cale had a sense of foreboding, but initially dismissed it. It could be anything from Richard being particularly evil to Richard being bored and wanting to kill off an entire orphanage.

What happened instead gave him nightmares.

Richard had an able and willing _helper_. One just as bad as he was, only not as durable and much younger!

"Where'd you find a sadistic wizard?" asked Benny.

" **He found me. I'm keeping him."**

There was a brief pause as something decapitated Richard while he wasn't looking.

" **Where'd that ax come from?"**

"Sorry. I'm not used to carrying anything heavier than your severed limbs. Well that and I was bored," said Harry. He promptly balanced Richard's head on his right hand. "Alas, poor Yorrick, I knew him well. He owed me money."

There was a pause of silence...before someone in the background snickered. Harry put Richard's head on and healed it up before Benny could.

"You do realize his head is on backwards, right?"

"And your point is? Besides, watching him walk into walls should prove hilarious," said Harry.

"...You don't eat small children do you?"

"Babies and toddlers give me indigestion," said Harry with a perfectly straight face.

" **Is anyone going to fix my head? Hello?"**

Harry grinned...before setting his hand on fire with a 'fwoosh'.

"Is anyone else remotely terrified of a second Richard, or is it just me?" asked Cale.

"It's not you," said the others.

"You do realize you're in the presence of someone who convinced Richard to teach at a school of magic as the Defense teacher, right?"

"Please tell me this is a horrible dream and Richard is right about to dismember me out of boredom," said Cale, pinching his nose.

Benny smacked him on the head.

"OW!"

"Not a dream," she told him. Cale actually whimpered, though he did wonder where that odd noise came from.

* * *

"So in order to get home we have to kill an innocent kid?" said Cale'anon. This day just got more and more horrific. First Richard finds a younger, more horrifyingly creative version of himself, and now they had to kill a child in order to preserve their future.

Someone had taken pity on Richard and at least put his head on right, but it was still a pretty bad day. For him at least.

"I volunteer for this task!" said Harry a little too eagerly.

" **What's your plan?"**

"Reanimated elves on fire singing showtunes while kicking the kid into the wall and then ripping him apart piece by piece," said Harry immediately.

" **Oooh...Nice. But where are you going to get the elves?"**

"They'll be here in about five minutes," said Harry.

"What?!"

"Yeah, the fight above us? The guys on our side totally got their asses handed to them. They don't want us to return to the present, or at least your present."

"How do ye know this?"

Harry promptly pulled out a well used book.

"What is that?" asked Cale.

"It's called _Looking for Group_. I have up until the part where Richard returns to his village and brings a force of unholy nightmares with him. Three hundred pages of wholesale mass slaughter by my favorite warlock," said Harry happily.

" **Can we keep him?"** asked Richard.

"No. I'm sure his parents are horrified about how their son turned out," said Cale.

"My parents died protecting me when I was a year and a half old, I was forced to live with my less than tolerant aunt who never bothered to teach me right from wrong and my mentor thought that I killed their murderer with 'love'. I'd rather be a Chaotic Neutral bastard than a dead one," said Harry flatly in a tone that could have been commenting the weather.

" **Awkward,"** said Richard in amusement. Cale had really put his foot in his mouth in that situation. He really liked this kid. He really did.

"Besides, it's not like it matters who kills the kid anyway. Can't you see the truth in front of you or do I really need to spell it out?" asked Harry.

"What truth?"

"That's not actually a kid."

"...What."

"That's not a real kid, so it really doesn't matter if you kill him or not. It's in the same class as that shrieking brat you saved," said Harry flatly.

Suddenly any doubts Cale had about killing the kid went away. He stabbed the boy in the heart and they went into their present.

" **Aw...did you really have to tell him that?"** whined Richard.

"It was either that or listen to more angst bullshit that really doesn't do much except make others want to smack you. Besides, we both know who that brat really was," deadpanned Harry.

" **You present a convincing argument. I approve!"** said Richard, giving him a thumbs up.

"That being said, every time Cale gets whiny I am so setting his cloak or hair on fire," said Harry in a voice so low only Richard heard it. Richard's dark chuckles followed them all the way through the tunnel.


End file.
